My Christmas Carol

 Undoubtedly my favorite Christmas book and movie is Dickens A Christmas Carol.  As most of you know the story, I will not go into detail but only to say that Scrooge is shown his life in the past, present, and future.  He revisits times when he could have acted with compassion and chose not to.  His future was dismal with no one mourning his passing.  In the end he changed his life for the better and became well loved and respected.  We all have the ability to look back in the past and evaluate our present to better understand how that can impact our future. My councilor wanted me to connect with my joys in the past and this time of year, for me, is my most joy filled time.

My earliest memories of the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas is filled with memories of family, food, and warmth. before I was eight, we went to my grandparent's farm for holidays. I don't remember presents but do remember the warmth of my grandma's hug and her wonderful meals.  I remember playing for hours with her saltshaker collection by the warmth of the Franklin Stove.  I managed to save a few and have them with me today in my kitchen.  They are old and somewhat rusty, but they are visible reminders of my grandma and Pappy.  My aunt, uncle and 2 cousins were always there as well, and we would all eat at the table in the dining room. Christmas was the best and my memories of that time still warm me inside. 

We were not wealthy by any means and in fact my mom told me of times that my absent father would give her 25$ just before Christmas to get our presents.  I am sure she saved a few dollars throughout the year because it seemed like each Christmas was the best.  I remember decorating the tree with silver tinsel and glass ornaments that she had saved.  The lights were large and hot so we couldn't leave them on long.  We opened our presents on Christmas morning, and I would leave my presents opened up under the tree.  We got necessities like shoes, slips, hose and clothing.  We always got a doll or stuffed animal.  I collected horses and would get a Breyer horse set with a mare, foal, and stallion.  I would play with them for hours.  Before Christmas we would go downtown on the bus to Lazarus Department store.  It was a treat to see all the storefront windows that were all holiday inspired.  We stood in line to visit Santa. and let him know what we wanted.  My mom would tell a story about taking us downtown for Christmas and not realizing   that I had taken my panties off.  She discovered my bare butt when she picked me up to hold me while we were in the Santa line.  We had to get out of line, and she had to go buy me panties.  Another "me" story that I associate with Christmas is the time that she bought a harness so that she could keep track of me.  Apparently, I tended to wander off frequently. That's a shock.  The harness fit like a vest and was nowhere near my neck.  She tells the story that I repeatedly gagged and choked so often that a store detective stopped her to make sure I was alright. I remember a place in the store where children could shop for their parents.  No parent was allowed as I recall.  My mom also saved S&H green stamps and would glue them in books.  We would use those books to go to Big Bear and get her presents.  In school we would make something from ceramics to give as a gift.  I still have a "lovely" vase I made her.  She got ashtrays, plaster handprints. and homemade jewelry.   My favorite gift that I made her was a terry cloth bathmat in white with orange footprints that I had traced after mine.  I hand sewed them to the mat and was so excited to see her open her special present.  I have a remnant of that mat in my closet.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVED getting presents, but my happiness was in gifting.  I made homemade cards at school and at home.  She loved what I made by hand just as much as I loved giving them to her.  After age 8 my grandparents sold their farm and holidays were spent between my aunt's house and ours.  We alternated Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It was again a time of family and laughter.  At our house the tree would be up, and the white plaster Nativity made by my sister Patti would be on our mantle.  It seemed that we sat around the table for hours just visiting and telling stories.  As I got older, I took more interest in decorating and have carried that through today however I am probably "extra" in my view of decorating.  Instead of "less is more" I go by the theory that more is more and better.  Much to the regret of my husband I had 27 boxes of decorations, three trees and I collected animated musical animals that sang various Christmas ditties. I also developed a passion for nativity scenes. 

 The darkest part of my Christmas history was a period of about 2 years that I could not have people over because our house was not ready for company. I remember the depression I felt during that time.  I loved to entertain and had a dinner for many on Christmas Eve serving the same menu that I had made for years.  Then I would stay up all hours to prepare for Christmas morning breakfast and I wanted my family to return to open presents.  I was too much.  I expected too much from my family and for that I have regrets.  I wanted to create memories and traditions that my children to take and adapt to their families. I look back on those few years as a cleansing time for me.  I wasn't ready to turn over the reins of the holiday get together to my daughter, but it was a necessity, and she was more than up to the task.  I still make some of the same things for dinner, but it's now held at her farm.  I am actually happy she is doing this because she entertains so beautifully.  After Stan died and my house got fixed up Christmas retuned to my house but only for dinner and then it morphed into a children's party.  Dinner has returned to Becky's home, and I have a cousin Christmas usually a week before Christmas.  The grandkids come over and get their Mimi and Taunte Jill presents, and we have snack food.  Becky also has Christmas morning breakfast and I go over to watch the grands open up their presents.  I am glad that she is developing her family transitions that her children will copy and carry on.  This year I had the grands over and my grandson said the best thing to this mega-decorating grandma.  He said "Mimi it looks like a fairy land" I asked him if that was a good thing and he answered in the affirmative.  This year I really decorated because it makes me smile.  My decorations start coming out before Halloween and I start taking down by New Years.  I will continue to go overboard on my decorations as long as I can because it makes me happy. Hopefully when it gets to the point where I can't do it anymore myself, I will have a grandchild or two who will come and do it for me. 

Looking back, I can trace all my traditions that I hold dear to my past and right or wrong they are my mainstay; however, I am changing.  I am in the twilight of my life I have less years left than I care to think about, and change can be hard. I am spending more time thinking about my relationship with God and my salvation.  I am spending time thinking about what memories I will leave when I am gone.  I want my children and grandchildren to know with assurity  that I loved them with every fiber of my being.  That I loved them all unconditionally and my first and last thought will always be them.  I want them to be able to look back and smile when they think of me.  I want them to know that Jesus is my King and that I was a grandmother that prayed.  All in all, I want my legacy to be that of faith, love and laughter.  I want that because that was what my mother's legacy was to me. 

And I Cried......

 I had a wonderful vacation with my daughter's family.  We went to Big Sky Montana over Thanksgiving.  It was beautiful and cold.  My grandchildren were having the best time in the snow.  Me not so much.  I am not a fan of cold weather and snow but watching them all play gave me great joy.  We had a family of foxes that appeared below our window, and they obviously had become used to human contact and stayed fairly close to the kids when they were outside.  One actually sheltered between our condo entrance and the entrance to Becky's in-law's condo. The condo company, obviously aware of the foxes, had a password to the internet warning about feeding them.  We mostly obeyed that request, but the kids were fascinated with the beautiful animals.  My best day was on Wednesday prior to Thanksgiving when we went horseback riding.  We had a two-hour trail ride through Yellowstone.  I knew that I would have trouble getting on and off the horse because, well, quite frankly, I'm old and not very agile.  I am reminded of the meme out there that says, " some people can turn cartwheels, I'm just grateful that I can put on my pants and not fall over." That's me in a nutshell.   Becky and Shane got out at the site to sign the paperwork and then Becky came back and told me that they needed me to sign for myself and advise them of my concerns.  It concerned me because I was really looking forward to this event.  Our two young wranglers were so sweet.  I told them that I would have a real struggle getting on and off but once on I was good to go.  I have years of experience riding.... 40 years past and knew I was well able to handle the horse.  I got teary eyed.  I told them that this was likely the last time I would ever be able to ride, and I was going to do it.  Caroline, our guide, told me that she would make it happen and give me the best ride possible.  Getting me on Mogli the horse was a comedy, but we did it.  Caroline looked at me critically and said, you can tell you have ridden.  You have good hands, and your seat is good.  High praise for me.  As we started out in that beautiful park the tears started to flow.  We were in a line so no one could see me.  I was 24 again.  I was able to leap on my Arabian, Copafan's back, without using stirrups.  I was agile, quick, and I didn't fall down once a month like I do now.  I was back at a time when my whole life was ahead of me.  I hadn't made any decisions that would alter my life, good or bad.  It was just me and my horses Copafan and Sultan.  It was such an incredible and innocent time.  I kept wiping the tears away and wishing I had brought more Kleenex.  God spoke to me on that ride.  I felt him ask me what would I change? I realized that I would change nothing except that I would not stray as far as I had in following the will of God.  The tears continued as I realized that I had so many wasted years when I could have been of service to God.  I chased the wrong ideals and focused on the wrong things that I thought would bring me happiness.  I sinned, as we all do, and didn't give it a second thought. I justified actions that now I would not.  The tears continued when I realized that my Savior had been there all the times I failed waiting for me to talk to him again.  The cold air and beautiful scenery gave way to the glory of God.  And I cried.  I have reached the age of 71 and I have so much to be thankful for.  God has always been there, a whisper away protecting me from myself.  I have been granted a wonderful daughter and son, five glorious grandchildren who make me laugh, a job that I love, a house to come home to, and four of the most spoiled dogs you can imagine.  In my mind's eye I can see my mom smiling, not because I am on a horse again, but that her prayers were answered.  My tears stopped just before we reached the halfway point.   I was so joyful watching our family ride and enjoying the time together.  You cannot imagine how full my heart was at that moment.  Getting off the horse was easier.  Shane just told me to kick my foot out of the far stirrup and fall back and he would catch me.  He did. He is another blessing to me in so many ways.     I cannot jump on a horse's back without stirrups or ride bareback without falling off, but I CAN let my kids and grandkids know that I love them unconditionally and give thousands of kisses that they tolerate.  I can serve my risen Savior in my daily life and show His love through my actions.  I can pray and glorify God every day.  I can continue to walk through life with the time I have left knowing that I do not walk alone, He is there ready to catch me before I fall, and to show me what I need to do in his name. He is there to heal my heart when it feels broken.  I am so very, very blessed.  

Yet Another Body Part is Missing

 On March 2, 2023 I surrendered yet another body part to old age.  I had a right hip replacement performed at Ochsner Lafayette General Orthopedic Hospital.  I am a titty baby from way back and do not like pain or being knocked out for surgery.  That being said, I would only use one physician to handle that surgery for me.  Dr. Scott Yerger is simply the best.  He is an excellent doctor but more than that the man makes me laugh.  I trust all my bones to him without reservation.  His staff backs him up in delivering excellent patient care and presents a family like atmosphere whenever you visit for an appointment.  I tend to be a drama queen (according to my daughter...and she is right) and the staff still put up with me and treated me like I was their only patient.  I only had one worry and that was I wanted to return to work within 6 weeks post-surgery and I made my goal thanks to the excellent care that I received. 

My hip had been bothering me for 3 years and I kept putting off seeing the doctor because I just knew he was going to stick a very large needle in my hip joint.  Apparently I waited long enough so that I needed the hip replaced. The problem was that I "adapted" to the hip discomfort by walking differently, Frankly I walked like a duck.  I was bent forward at the waist with my butt stuck out.  Walking with good posture was uncomfortable. I limped and walked dragging my feet.  I was a fall risk and averaged at least 1 to 2 falls a month.  I faceplanted at work and scared my co-workers, fell at home too many times to count.  I tripped and fell when my grands were here and took out an end table, lamp and chair.  I really scared them.   My weight loss helped some but I was a mess overall. 

My day of surgery was uneventful except that I overslept and woke up to a nurse calling me and asking where I was.  Josh got me to the hospital in record time and reluctantly came in with me until Rebekah could get there.  He doesn't like anything about hospitals but came in anyway.  I had a spinal instead of a general anesthesia.  I don't know what they hit me with but I only have a vague memory of a pinch in my back and then I woke up in recovery.  I purposely copied down names of all the nurses, housekeepers, aides, and physical therapists so that I could list all those who provided exceptional care to me.  I can't find the damn list but know that you all are a credit to your chosen profession.  I did not have a single bad experience.  I only had one complaint overall and that was that they should have raised toilet seats in all the bathrooms.  They did however provide Depends for their clients which is a marvelous idea. 

I came home weighing nearly 10lbs more than when I went in 2 days before.  Of course, my right leg was huge from edema.  I know my daughter, son in law, and grands brought me home.  I have little memory getting home and getting in except that they pulled across the grass to the front door to make it easier for me to get in the house.  I had to call Rebekah to help me recall the details. I had very little incisional pain just a "hot spot" in the middle of my right butt cheek.  I could not get away from that pain and put up with it for several days.  I had a left-over Norco 10 from a previous surgery and took one out of desperation and it didn't touch the pain which told me it was probably inflamed nerves.   I finally called the office and talked to Melinda and asked her if they could put me back on Gabapentin that I was on in the hospital.  They did and the pain was gone within hours of the first dose.  Jill Forbes came over to babysit me the first night and we watched a British show that I remember laughing at but cannot tell you what it was.  I took all my medication like a good girl but was off the pain meds after less than a week.  I had home heath with Amedisys for the first two weeks for bathing, PT, and wound checks.  They were all wonderful as well. My sister Patti came from Illinois to help me.  What a blessing it was to have her here except she said I screamed at her when she was driving.  I do not admit to doing anything of the sort.  I apparently did not do it twice.   I am still pleading the fifth.  We cooked real homemade food every night. We talked about everything, and she wanted to do more for me than I would let her.  I am very stubborn.  One singular blessing was that we had Maria and Ariana Felton over for dinner on Sunday night and had a lovely time.  On Monday Maria was killed in an auto accident.  Patti was here for me and grieved with me the loss of our friend. Patti listened to me cry and helped me host the neighbors who came to talk about our neighbor and friend.  Patti was here for three weeks and I would not take anything for that time I had with her. I cried when she left.   I was back driving in 3 weeks and started outpatient PT at Summit Physical therapy.  They are the BEST!  

After the swelling went down in my leg I noticed a 10-inch by 5-inch growth over my hip incisional area.  It was hard, unmoving and mildly painful. I had a Kardashian butt thing going on over that area.   PT was concerned and told me to notify the doctor. I went in to see Jason Manafi, Dr. Yerger's PA.  I apparently had a seroma/hematoma over that area.  Dr. Yerger checked it a few days later and said it would go down but may take several weeks to months.   Apparently, not wanting to wait, I did another face plant tripping over blankets in my room and fell directly on that hip.  I screamed and Joshua came running.  I moved my affected leg gently in a scissor motion and my hip did not hurt.  Josh got me to my knees and lifted me up.  I felt the area and the growth was gone.  That would explain the squishing pop like feeling that I felt when I fell.  I again notified Melinda at the office.  I had no pain, could move my hip, had no growth. and my Kardashian ass was gone.  

The hardest thing I have going on now is that I am having to re-learn to walk upright and in good alignment.  My right leg muscles feel weak, and I still have a slight limp when I walk.  I'm using muscles in my back that I haven't used in years, trying to stand upright, and the readjustment is hard.  I have fallen twice since surgery, both times my own damn fault but am no worse off.  I don't shuffle as much when I walk by repeating my mantra "heel toe, heel toe" which has caused my shins to be sore but lessening everyday.  I noticed a large improvement in my strength from last week to this week in PT.  I am so very fortunate that so many people have been supportive.  My work family watches out for me and remind me to pick my feet up when I walk.  I am walking faster, for longer periods of time without difficulty. 

I have been having snippets of memories from my hospitalization that I am not sure are real.  Just in case I want to apologize to my recovery nurse.  I had a flashback of a possible conversation we had about breast implants getting harder as they age.  I do believe that I actually felt her boob.  I am cringing as I think about this but if true, am eternally grateful that it wasn't a male nurse with a penile implant.  

As we age it is important to have "people".  Those who we trust to take care of us, those friends and family we depend on are vital.  It is so important to have physicians that we trust in our "village".  The people that I have encountered during my surgery and after are exceptional and I am grateful that they are part of my life.  Melinda, thank you for taking my calls and for getting me answers, you are the best!

I have included pictures of my "family" at Dr. Yerger's office.  I am so grateful for your care. 

Maria

 I took this picture 2 years ago at Christmas and it has remained one of my favorites of Maria and Ariana. My friend is gone,  She was killed in a head on collision Monday morning on her way to work.  She leaves behind her devastated daughter and a multitude of friends who will miss her with a pain that is palpable.  

Maria and Michael moved into our neighborhood over 20 years ago.  I really didn't connect with her immediately as they were starting their office in Churchpoint and worked from dawn to dusk and I worked 12 hour shift so we missed each other.  I actually do not remember when we became friends but I remember she was pregnant with Ariana and I had a baby shower for her.  I first saw Ariana when they brought her home from the hospital.  She had a mass of curls and the most beautiful skin.  Maria was besotted with her from the beginning.  She always had her baby dressed in beautiful outfits and we would put her in her stroller and walk the neighborhood with her.  Ariana only had her mom for 17 years and that just wasn't enough.  Maria continued to work in their office but her primary focus was her daughter.  She made sure as Ariana grew up that she had adventures and exposure to the arts, music and education.  She became a scout leader and was a blessing to all her charges.  Ariana loved all things Disney and they made multiple trips a year, until recently, to DisneyWorld.  December 2019 she accompanied me, my son and his children to Disney.  She planned the entire trip to maximum exposure for the kids to have fun.  She again accompanied me, my daughter and her family in February 2020.  It was always about the children.  She had an enormous soft spot for children.  It was her superpower.  She passed that on to Ariana.  When I would have all five of my grands on an outing Maria and Ariana would frequently accompany us.  Thank God.  When I was about to pull my hair out she would quietly talk to them and they listened.  My grands are devastated at the senseless death of their Ms. Maria.  They are equally worried about Ariana who doesn't have a mommy now.  

I am blessed with about 5 ride or die friends.  Maria was one of that small group.  My friends loved her.  Jill and Ruthie are as devastated as we all are at her death.  I usually talked with her at least twice a day.  She called me in the morning and I called her at night on my way home from work.  We often touched bases several other times during the day.  We always ended the called with an I love you. I always end my calls to my friends with that... it has become important to me especially as I get older to let my friends know that they are really loved.  She spent every Christmas with us for the past few years and took joy in seeing my grands open presents.  Again it was all about the children.  

She was an animal lover.  We had a huge population of feral cats in our neighborhood and she took it upon herself to trap 36 of them, transport them to a group that neuters and spays at a reduced cost.  The hitch was that she had to take them all back.  She fed them, and in the winter set up heating lamps on her front porch  so they were warm.  Ariana inherited her mom's love for animals and has added on to their collection with Geese and chickens.  They are owners of Cookie the German Shepard and Sugar the Great Pyrenees.  They also have the ankle biter Eddie.  My grands named the chickens.  She was a good pet mama.  She would frequently be at the vets for sick cats that were outside.  She could not stand to see an animal suffer.   

Maria made it her mission to get me to be fiscally responsible.  When I found myself upended in debt with seemingly no hope she made it possible to me to see a light at the end of the tunnel and spent hours making a ledger of what I needed to pay when.  I am still a spendthrift but learned to call her first when I wanted to make a big purchase(anything over 50$) and we would discuss it.  I bowed to her decisions almost every time.  The times that I didn't I regretted the purchase. 

Her parents are still living.  Her mother, also named Maria, has a form of dementia. Her father Juan had to put Maria in a wonderful home with less than 10 people in it for care.  He visits her every week. Making a 1.5 hour drive.  He then stays in St.  Petersburg so that he can see her for several days before he goes back home.  Maria had just visited them less than a month ago.  She has  a sister Anna from New York who I believe is a teacher.  She also leaves behind another "daughter" Jessy Hargis.  Jessy is such an important part of Maria and Ariana.  She is here with Ariana now and is grieving the loss of her "mommy" as much as Ariana.  

I never heard Maria say a negative word about anyone.  In one of our frequent talks she dropped the F bomb.  I was stunned speechless.  Then I started to laugh until tears were rolling down my face.  She said to me its not FUNNY.  That made me laugh harder.  Then we both were laughing.  

She was a Christian as is Ariana.  She believed sincerely in the power of prayer,   Her daughter is the same.  Ariana takes her faith seriously and has not wavered even with the accident. She knows she is in Heaven and her faith gifts her with the knowledge that she will see her mama again.  

Maria was so proud of Ariana who has been accepted into LSU in the fall.  She wants to become a vet.  The night before the accident we all had dinner at my house with my sister Patti.  Maria was talking about her garden that in her "spare" time she wanted to get in.  She talked about Ariana's future endeavors at LSU.  She would look at her daughter with such love.  It was inspiring how she molded this child into the young woman she is today.  Arianna was her greatest gift and she did everything she could to get her the experiences that she will need to carry on without her.  

I am grateful Maria that you  were my friend.  I looked last night with Ariana at the posts on your FB wall and we were both in tears.  You were such a friend, a light, a joy to all those you came in contact with.  We all are grieving our collective loss, the absence of a friend who never judged, who put us first before herself, who loved totally without reservation and the one who often hid her own pain.  Ariana said it best light night.  My mom is at peace.  She is with Jesus and I know she is happy.

 I will miss you till my time is done on this earth and then gratefully will see you again.  We will guard and protect your baby.  We will celebrate her successes and help to support here when she falls.  It's a privilege to be part of her life.  

God speed my dear, dear friend.  I love you