Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Funny Email #2 Patti and her Vac

I love my family. We have a full range of really smart, funny and loving people who comprise InaLee's children and grand children. What you are going to read is a series of emails starting with an email from my sister about her new vacuum cleaner and follow up emails from a few of the rest of us. These are from June 2006. To those of you who aren't related or know us these will be boring but I want them included in my yearly book to my family.

From Patti: June 2006
My 30-year-old Hoover died three days ago. After careful analysis (i. e. I whipped through the best buys in Consumer Reports) I bought a new Hoover self propelled vacuum online at my favorite Texas vacuum dealer.
I had to share this significant moment with my sisters because only you will understand how relieved Mom would be that this new one will trap 100% of the dust mites (and I'll bet our bedroom has plenty of them!) She would also be very proud that 1) it will actually TELL me when the rug is clean instead of just spewing the dust back at me from the top of the machine AND 2) I got it tax free with no shipping costs!
Big bonus - it is purple. Alright, mulberry metallic. Just imagine what I can do with this sporty model.
My new baby arrives in five business days with the usual attachments, an extra 20 ft. long hose, and stuff that Vacuum Depot sells such as an Ultimate Dusting Brush!
Will keep you posted

My response:

I am just quivering with excitement for you..... and a big, Loooong hose too. Mine is 6 years old and barely sucks, I have to frequently grab hold of it and blow its tubes out to make it work and its only about 2 ft. long.. It doesn't stand upright by itself anymore, I have to hold it in place and then turn it on and worse yet I get no conversation. I live for the day when I can trade this old horse in for a new, long-hosed,powerful, sucking machine that talks dirt to me.
Love, your unfulfilled sister

Response from Niece Carrie:
All the cool kids are doin' it.With all of Patti's excitement about a new vac, I had to go and get one myself. (And, my 16-year anniversary is in two weeks!) I was going to buy one at the same place Patti bought one, but the one I have been eyeing just went on sale for 1/2 PRICE at Kohl's (sorry, Patti) -- so off I trotted to Kohl's with my three kids. Let me just tell you, THREE KIDS takes a lot of the joy out of vacuum purchasing. No wonder people say having kids changes everything -- even the thrill of a new vacuum purchase.But once I got home, I too experienced the elation of vacuuming my carpet with all the power of a new vac. I feel like I have new carpet! I have also been using my long hose a lot too. I even made the kids "feel the power." :-)Dearest Auntie Patti -- thank you for inspiring me toward my goal of being a better mom with cleaner carpet. Now Drew can crawl w/o getting cat hair stuck to his little hands. :-) Yuck!

Response from Patti:
Amen, Carrie. Can't you just FEEL the energy! You sound so fulfilled by achieving this goal. Just envision what you can accomplish with three children tomorrow.

Response from Niece Robbon:
Nope...the vacuum is the big deal for the anniversary. Sorry-that is allyou have to look forward to. Ha ha! I was telling Patti yesterday that I love our new vacuum. Mark bought me one before Mia was born because I was freaking out about all of the hair inthe house and couldn't stand the thought of a baby covered in dog & cat hair. It is a Hoover vacuum but with a canister for the refuse. At first Iloved the exhilaration of seeing everything that it was picking up and thought that my house felt so clean. Enjoy it while you can Carrie!! Of course it has a looong hose and the handle stays up. Need you ask? : )) Butnow that I am still picking up the same junk every time, I realize that ahouse is never clean. Ugh! The canister just freaks me out every time! Girls' gathering? What is that? I don't know that I will be able to carry on an adult conversation without mopping up slobber or cutting up someone'sfood.Robbon

Response from Patti again:
I got my new vac yesterday and it is everything I desired! Because it was our anniversary, I paid more attention to Jack than the Hoover. I even waited until we got home from seeing "Prairie Home Companion" to get it out of the box. Jack screwed the handle on and I swept away! Wow, that long hose is going to come in handy sucking up spiders. And I don't have to worry about them creeping out later.
I say, "If you need a new vac, don't wait 25 years." Shoot, in another 25 years, I won't even care if I have a vac -- or maybe even know what one is for!
I'm on a roll now. Maybe my next acquisition will be a new mop bucket and squeegee!
Response from my Nephew Kryss:
Im glad you all have your vaccuums....hehe...we have a good vac....but IMUCH prefer our upright (vacuum style) Hoover Steam Cleaner.....itrocks.....and the price was fantastic too! FREE!! Hehe....a friend wasmoving to California and didn't wana move it was pretty muchbrand new....she gave it to us...heheIm copying this to jen....she has FAR more interest in being a clean freaklike all of you.....hehe....Kryss

Love you all!!!!! I laughed again and hope this brings back memories.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Old E-Mails #1: Beer Bottles, Kegals and My Advice

As I was cleaning out some old emails that I have saved I ran across some oldies but goodies. I will be posting some of these. These are pre-blogging gems! The original email is posted then the comments that I got. I did 'X' out some names but it is mostly the same
For those of you who don't really know me... this is a warning. Nothing is off limits as you will soon read.

The Grand Geezer = my mom
The geezers = my older sisters
Geezerette = me because I am the youngest

03/09/2000 09:40:35 AM

Subject: some sound advice

Dear nieces,
Although only Carrie has seen fit to write to her dear
old aunt and keep her in the know, I decided to write
one more time with some sound advice. IF YOU DON'T
USE IT YOU WILL LOSE IT. I know most of you, if you
got that advice from the geezers thought it meant your
typing skills. On second thought if they gave it they
probably did mean your typing skills but I am here to
let you know it applies to other aspects of your
person. Lucky Carrie, because she keeps in contact
with me already knows what I did last night. I went
to a friends house to have my cooter measured( At this
point Robbon is in melt down.. wanting to know just
how to divorce Mark on the basis of crazy
relatives.)My friend is a RN who specializes in
incontinence. In passing conversation she mentioned
that the same muscles that control incontinence also
are the same ones that umm... well increase the
tightness of the vaginal vault. Those pesky old kegals
that are about as elusive as the G-spot as far as I am
concerned have been a mystery to me for years. I was
told to exercise them prior to the birth of my
children but the doctor never explained to me how to
do so.... so I thought I was doing them right..... but
its kinda like breast exams.... you tend to forget to
do it on a regular basis. I apparently stretched them
out like bow strings when i delivered my 9 and 10
pounder and haven't had them in shape since. The
obvious outcome of unexercised kegals is that you end
up at 84 visiting your kids and grand kids and sitting
on plastic because you cant make it to the toilet in
time... in fact you don't even realize you have to make
it to the toilet.( I am speaking here of the grand
geezer... god bless her) Well my friend( the RN) was sharing
with me that women in South America can pick up beer
bottles by the necks using only those muscles... I
personally would ask for a different waitress no
matter how entertaining that would be to see. I also
told the nurse that to share that information with kegal
impaired women like myself is not a kind professional
clinical move. She just wanted me to know so that I
could have a goal to strive for. At any rate my resting
kegal measurement is 2.5 ( which by her raised
eyebrows and no comment meant she was suprised my
stomach wasn't falling through my cooter every time I
coughed) My fully clamped cooter muscle measurement
was 52.3... that was fully strained with eyeballs
bulging out. Those south American woman I mentioned
fall in the 400 range.... of course they are sluts. I
got hooked up to a computer via a probe that was
inserted into my vaginal vault( I did it myself) and
information was fed into the computer... ie; name(I
used an alias) weight(I lied alittle) and height. Then
you get to choose the color of the graph line and
other little decorative things(like do you want your
results in a wide or narrow graph line or do you want
it in a pie shape) that cannot possibly be important
to any woman but an interior decorator. It provides
up the the second information as to your muscle
tonicity and gives you biofeedback when you reach your
goal. As I am squeezing I told the nurse she was going to
have to shut up.. because yelling squeeze, squeeze
squeeze in my ear was distracting me... you can't laugh
and squeeze at the same time.... to give you an idea
and this is really gross(even for your auntie) try
really laughing the next time you have a BM... it
doesn't work. I finally told her I didn't know if I was
using the right muscles...ergo enter the next
probe.... this one is attached to a "Prometheus
exerciser" it's a pulsating stimulator that sells for
400.00. This one delivers a mild electrical current
that you can increase in intensity... the current
causes the muscles on the pelvic floor to
contract..... and guess what... I am using the right
muscles just not hard enough........ hooray. The
treatment lasts for 30 min. It contracts for five
seconds and rests for 10. This little gizmo actually
increases the strength of your vaginal muscles. I was
gonna get a new vacuum cleaner but have since
changed my mind.( I just looked up Prometheus he
was the god who gave mortals fire...what a hoot) At
any rate all is not lost for your aunt as I know
you are all worried. I will be able to increase
muscle tone and strength without a problem I may
never get to the beer bottle stage but that's not
something you could talk about anyway. The kids
wanted to know where i was going I answered to
my nurse friend. Of course they asked why and I answered in
truth, so that I could learn to strengthen my pelvic
floor muscles so that I wouldn't end up like gramma.
Joshua answered with his hand over his ears "Jeez
couldn't you lie" and started singing(reminds me of
Carrie) I asked Becky if she wanted to go as it would
be valuable to her as she gets older (not the most
common mother/daughter bonding experience.. but well
who can say). She held up her hands in a weighing
motion... hummm she says (holds up one hand) go out to
dinner with my friend then raises her other hand..or she says go watch mother and her
friend be total idiots. Toss up mom.. but I will
pass.. I am hungry. Well I am glad I went. I am
telling you girls... keep it in shape. When we get
old I will be the only aunt allowed to visit. Of
course I probably won't have my mind left but at least
I wont wee-wee all over everything. Write back
brats... I love you all and miss you more. By the way
I don't have a current e-mail for Rachel(lucky her) so
Jennie...if you feel its warranted forward on to
her. This has to top the vinegar story. Talk to you
love, Aunt TC (tight....ummmm well you get
the drift. lololol

Then the comments:

I recommend reading Debbie's email only if you have to pee really bad.
Then, while reading it, you will laugh really hard and, while running to
the bathroom with your hand between your legs, you will realize, maybe she
IS smart!

I'm sitting (please excuse
the pauses -- it is very difficult to type and kegal at the same time).

Thanks for the laugh!


Hello everyone!!

Ok, so I immediately started contracting my kegal muscles (I think) while
sitting in my chair at work. I must admit that I have tears in my eyes because
I have to laugh quietly around here or else people will want to know what is so
funny and I just don't think that I could explain this one!!!! Thank you
Debbie!!! I believe I will stay married to Mark and his family because who else
would ever tell me about the facts of life? Don't think that Barb would tell me
that...what do you think Mindy, Carrie? tee hee Your stories are always
enthralling and I always enjoy them most of the day so thank you for adding my
work address to the list.

So how is everyone? Anyone have a story to top that? I don't think that I do.

Can't wait to hear from the rest of you about this "stimulating" experience.


Sunday, August 14, 2011

Part 7: Wedding Awards

We had such a good time. I had an awards list that I did for my daughter's wedding and felt that I had to make another for my son's!

Best Hosts for a Rehearsal Dinner: Steve and Peggy

Best In laws: Steve and Peggy, Stan and Debbie, Kurt and Stephanie

Best Aunts and Uncles in Attendance: Patti and Jack, Aunt Bee, Debby and Pete, "Auntie" Ruth

Best Mode of Transportation: Canoes

Worst Mode of Transportation: My sister's car which managed to lose brakes and a tail light while I was driving.

Best Singers: Jeff and Pam Hart et guys are just awesome!

Best site for a Destination Wedding: Hartland Woods

Best Wedding Dinner: Stephanie, Kurt, Carolyn and Allen

Best Wedding Cake: Peggy Hart... my personal feeling is that there is no such thing as 'bad' wedding cake but this one was outstanding!!

Worst Guests: The flies and Mosquitoes

Best Exterminator: Stan and his 6 cans of OFF battled the flies and mosquitos the whole weekend

Best Bottle of Wine: Dancing Bull...brought by JR, the Best Man... I hope someone else notes the humor in this besides me. (Hint: they are both dancers)

Best Temporary Addition to Hartland Woods: Port-a-potties and a tent

Best Decision Made by Pastor Ken: Moving to the Emerald Inn after spending a night in a tent. You get huge points for staying the first night communing with nature!

Most Beautiful Pregnant Guests: Deanna, Stephanie, and Ashley.

Best Description of the Canoe Trip: Deanna Setsura-Kirchner.... I'm still laughing... you had to be there to hear it.... especially with her Russian accent.

Best Hors d'oeuvres: Fried deer tidbits.... YUM

Best Acronyms: MOG(mother of the groom) SMOG(Stepmother of the Groom)DOG(dad of the groom) and FOG(father of the groom)

Best Siblings( and "steps") Present: Rebekah, Seth and Brian

Best Hugger: Jeff Hart. You are a love!!

Best Photographer in the Worst Light: Patti Franklin.... the pictures are such a blessing

Worst Photographer: Me. I managed to cut off my daughter's head each time I tried for a pic of Seth and her. It was dark. She is very tall.

Best Dressed: Syd and Josh

Best Memory(for me): The look in my son's eyes when he saw Sydni.

Most Patient: Steve( Even though he was bound by a contract... ask Peggy LOL)

Thank you to all the friends and relatives who made this day so very special for Josh and Syd. You made his extended family feel so very welcome.

Part 6: Wedding Pics

Part 5: August 5, 2011, The Wedding

I set out on a narrow way many year ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms

This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

(Rascal Flatts)

It was late, about 9pm or so and the photographer was concerned because the light was gone and the pictures would be iffy. The bride had just arrived to get dressed to the relief of my son who twice requested me to text my daughter to find out what the hold up was. When I expressed my concern to Sydni, she looked at me and said that the pictures that needed to turn out would and that this was all about memories. She was serene and she was correct. I still was in panic mode as was my sister. Then Pam Hart started singing "The Broken Road" and Syd and her dad made their way thru the aisle of lumanaria walking towards her future with my son. She was simply radiant and my son's eyes were locked on her in such a way that my heart filled with joy.

After Kurt handed her to Josh they walked to Chelsea's stone and both gently touched the top, bringing the past to the present. I found tears rolling down my face and I am sure that I was not alone. The ceremony was lovely and it was uniquely their own. They read vows to each other. Pastor Ken, who earlier in the day had baptised them both in the Westfork, united them as man and wife.

I thought about my mom wishing that she could have lived long enough to see her youngest grandson get married. My thoughts turned to the others: Kenny, Tina, Chelsea, who along with my mother, his grandma "Lucky", would be well pleased.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Part 4: The Hart Reunion and Pre-wedding Festivities

My son is a Hart. I remember a few years ago after he started attending the yearly reunion when he came home and told me that he no longer felt "different" he said that he found a whole slew of people who were like him. For him it was an 'a-ha' moment, one that brought him a sense of who he was and where he came from. He loves Hartland Woods and the yearly reunion is a pilgrimage that he will not miss short of being in the hospital with both legs in casts. He proposed to Sydni there last year and they both wanted this site to be the venue for their wedding . I am so very blessed that his Hart family represents a group of people who recognize the importance of family and that they have opened their arms AND campfire not only to my son but to his extended family. Coming from all over the United States, they get together the first weekend in August to visit, eat, drink, sing, camp in tents, float down the Westfork River in canoes, and skeet shoot. When my two sisters and I arrived bumping down the entrance to the camp, our brakes gave out. Coming towards us was a pickup truck when it stopped I had a deja vue moment. I said to this man I know who your daddy is!!! He told me to get out of my car and he wrapped me in his arms and gave me a hug. Jeff Hart, you so eased my way and gave me a welcome that I will long remember. And you look just like your daddy Denny!!!!

The float is a tradition and I was invited by my son who had already asked his stepfather to be his partner. I don't know who he thought he would partner me with because I don't canoe. It would make me sweat and I just purely hate to sweat. If they had a barge with rowers I might have reconsidered. They said that the float would start at 1030am and they were almost on time. It started at 100pm. Becky and I watched as they put the canoes in the Westfork and it was organized chaos. Brian Hart stood in the water for assistance, dogs were cavorting in the water jumping in and out of boats. My thought as I was shooting pictures was how happy everyone was!!
The day after the float(and the wedding) they had a skeet shooting contest. This is also tradition that they take seriously. I wasn't there long to watch but these Harts can shoot!!
Family can be a group of people who share the same DNA. A family can be a community to form unions to raise the young. It has a purpose, a past and a future. A family can be extended beyond the DNA bond to include those who support the goals of the community. A family is bonded by shared joys and sorrows. History is shared as stories are told. The once young now old are the elders passing to the next generation a sense of belonging. This family Hart opened their arms to us for the weekend with the only commonality my precious oldest child Joshua. This family took us in, shared their campfire and shared the joyous occasion of a wedding. Looking at the faces I saw the past, looking at the children I saw the future.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Trip to Iowa Part 3: Allison,Iowa, The Emerald Door Inn, and the Wonderful Ladies from the AMVET Hall

Welcome to Allison, Iowa a little bit of heaven on earth! A normal person, when faced with the prospect of finding multiple rooms for family members, would broaden the search to larger towns than one boasting only one small motel. I, being mostly normal, did just that especially when my son informed me that the Inn in Allison left a lot to be desired. I started in Waverly and branched out towards Waterloo but something kept drawing me back closer to the Hart reunion site. I finally called the only place in town, the Emerald Door Inn(formally the Crest Motel that my son was familiar with). I was assured by the owner, Randy Moad, that they had redecorated and that the place was clean. This is always a plus. I was charmed by this down to earth Innkeeper who had taken over the old Crest Inn and booked several rooms. Added plus was the price was excellent and it was really close to wedding central. I have stayed in Westins, Hiltons, Sheratons, down to LaQuintas and Red Roofs and I swear none has had the atmosphere and calmness that the Emerald has. Plus you can sit outside your room and look at cornfields and watch an occasional car go by while you are in your PJ's. With your hair in rollers. Without makeup. Just picture me sitting outside one of the W's in New York in my jammies with my big ole' rollers in my hair, smoking a cigarette and reading my kindle.... they would cart my crazy country butt to Bellview and lock me up. When we arrived the office was open, there was a note with our room keys on top and a card to fill out with our check in information. There was also a sign letting us know that we could call if we had a problem. Again I was charmed. Our rooms were as stated, very clean. The beds were great and we had a full kitchen. There is a caretaker who comes to change towels and sheets if needed. He also takes the time to sit down and discuss politics. I did see a spider but it was minuscule compared to what crawls around here in Louisiana.I took this picture of Randy just as we were leaving. See the smile. Probably because we were leaving and his life could return to normal. We changed rooms, moved people in and out, changed reservations at will and he never lost his cool. We booked the whole place and needed to shuffle people around a bit till we were satisfied. I just took the cue from him and left him notes: Pam is not coming but the preacher and his wife want her room.... Patti is staying with Barbara tonight but will be in her own room tomorrow...Ruth has a reservation but she will be rooming with Barb because JR and Deanna need her room.... oh and bill us for that room.... you get my drift. He was gracious and accommodating to all of our craziness.Stan woke up Thursday morning before me and went out sightseeing. He was hungry and followed a tip that the AMVETs were serving breakfast. He went in and talked to a few people, ate his breakfast THEN came back to the Inn and woke me up at the ungodly hour of 7am offering to buy me breakfast. He took me to the hall and I ordered and ate one of the BEST breakfasts I have had in a long time. I was so pleased that I went back and woke my sisters up and we carted them back to get their breakfast. Apparently the local cafe closed down and the breakfast slack was taken up by the AMVET ladies!! They served breakfast 6 days a week. We went back Friday and Saturday, each time bringing more people with us. The AMVET Ladies knew Kenny Hart and one of them told me that Vernon's wife was her teacher in school(I hope I have that right!!)
Meet the lovely ladies of the AMVET hall: Ms Gail, Ms. Alice, and Ms. Annabelle. If anyone gets an opportunity to be up in the Allison area for breakfast tell them we said HI and that Shoneys, Cracker Barrel, and Bob Evans restaurants can't even compare to the wonderful breakfasts that we were served by them!! Oh and leave a tip. A. Big. Tip. They deserve it.

Stan deserted us and sat with the local men. He really had a good time.

After eating each day we drove around town. To the Allisonites... you have a beautiful town. It's peaceful and it smells good. People smile and ask about you. We ate at Lil' Ricky's on Saturday night( which was fun plus had great food) and two people came up and said "aren't you the people stayin' at the Emerald?" At least they didn't say are you the crazy lady with the big hair rollers sitting outside your room at the Emerald smoking and reading... in your PJ's? They were honestly curious about how we liked the place. Randy we gave you an A+ and they seemed pleased letting us know that you had "changed it all around".

I will miss Allison, Iowa and can't imagine I will ever find myself your way again unless my son and new daughter-in-law, Joshua and Sydni Hart have a child and have him(or her) baptized in the Westfork. I just may push for that.