Friday, March 28, 2008

To Fart or Not to Fart

I really don't want to offend anyone so take note this more than likely is a R rated post as I am going to discuss a personal body function so if you are easily offended you really need to stop here. What has been placed upon my heart to discuss is farts. Call it what you want...gas, stinkers, farts, bubbles, toots, nose burners WHATEVER, it amounts to the same thing flatulence or flatus. Flatus is the unpleasant odor of gas passing thru the intestinal tract. This unpleasant odor is made up of such gasses as indole, skatole, and most commonly hydrogen sulfide. (My children will swear that flatus is made up of digested White Castles) It has become apparent that during my 30 years as an ER nurse that a high majority of stomach pain that presents to the ER (minus a fever) is caused by GAS. I am constantly amazed that people just don't stay home and deal with it on their own. Instead they come to the ER, spend a thousand bucks for the visit, the x-ray and the professional cost of the ER MD to tell them that they have gas. It came to me that most probably these poor suffering people don't have a clue how to rid themselves of excess bubbles. So my two faithful readers this is your lucky day!!!I am going to share with you my years of knowledge in dealing with the pain of excess gas. First of all, if at all possible, use your head. If you are going to sit down to a meal of cabbage, broccoli, and navy bean soup, do the world a favor and buy some Gas-X or Bean-o and take as directed. But sometimes a food just up and gives you the worst cramps ever created and you walk around groaning just wishing you could let it rip. STOP WALKING and get on the floor on your knees with your butt in the air and your face on the carpet. Gas rises. Pretty soon all that trapped gas will just bubble to the surface and relief is but a toot away. Now given that some people have larger butts than other people take note that you may need to grasp each buttock and 'spread your cheeks' to obtain OGE or optimum gas expulsion. When my kids were little and complained of gas, I would upend them and it just worked like a little charm.
Recently I had a large visitor to the ER with gas. She weighed in at about 400lbs but admitted to only 250. She waltzed in in Daisy Duke shorts and a latex top. The shorts were completely unzipped so that I was gifted with the picture of her HUGE overhanging belly. I mentioned to her about getting your butt higher than your head and when I walked by her room she was on the stretcher with her butt facing the door. She had her butt up in the air with her face pressed into the stretcher. I opened the door to pull the curtain across the window and she informed me that it wasn't working. I decided not to tell her the method of OGE(see above) because I didn't think she could manage to get her arms around her buttocks to assume the position without smothering herself.
You remember when you first started dating a new guy how you would rather blow up than pass gas. Truth be known if you were like most girls, you didn't eat or use the bathroom while in the presence of your boyfriend, at least until you got the engagement ring. Guys usually didn't have the same misgivings about bodily functions and would fart and indeed think it was just the funniest thing especially if in the presence of their friends. I dated a guy in college who used to light his farts. He would bend over and hold a lighter to his butt and expel gas. He did have other redeeming qualities but it was touch and go for the dating after the first time I saw him do that. I had a friend who dated this guy who thought it was totally cool for him to stop and say to all of us.."Listen to this" and he would bend over and expel gas swearing that it sounded just like a goose honking. Maybe it was just guys from Ohio in the 70's that did this stuff but I have heard other women in the south discuss the same thing.
It's always a good idea if you have a chronic gas problem to own a pet. You can pass off any silent-but-deadly expulsions as a pet problem unless of course the dog jumps up and takes one whiff of your back end and gags.
Last piece of advice to women. It really isn't ladylike or fair to fart in bed and wave the covers just because he didn't take the trash out. (it's not fair but it sure is funny!!)
Have a good day.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Hair Puzzle Solved

The past couple of weeks I have been waking up with the worst 'bed head' with matted hair that looks like I took an eggbeater to the top. It only happens on my 2 days off and not when I sleep during the day. I sort of figured that it was because I was sleeping harder at night then during daylight. Last night the mystery was solved. Let me preface by saying that Stanley has been out of town for the past few weeks on my 2 days off so I have had to sleep with the Baby Elizabeth. She is used to sleeping with her 'daddy' and has to spend part of the day in the crate so I get she and Bentley out when I get home and then they get to sleep with me( Demi is my day time sleep partner).
I was having the best dream last night that I was getting my head massaged and woke up to Elizabeth sucking on a strand of my hair while kneading my head with her front paws. Her eyes were closed and she was sound asleep. This explains why my hair was wet in sections in the morning. I thought that I was sweating. Yeccccht!!!!!! Elizabeth was bottle fed as a puppy and when we got her she would suck on a section of your arm and knead with her front paws when she was going to sleep.. we thought it was so cute. It sort of loses its' cuteness with her sucking on my hair. When I told Stanley this morning he was predictably charmed.
Have a good day

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Getting Groceries, Physical Therapy, and Wedding Update

I worked last night and it was a breeze. I think we had 2 patients all night and three nurses. I had time to do several crossword puzzles.USA Today and Universal crosswords are my favorite. To those who don't do puzzles, those two are fairly hard. After several years of doing nothing but reading and doing crosswords, I am an expert of sorts and have a plethora of useless facts floating around in my head that I can bring up at a moments notice. I used to crochet but haven't been able to for the past 3 years because of my hands and wrists.(more on that later) I joined a puzzle club for 20 bucks a year and have over 70,000 crossword puzzles at the click of my mouse. Doing any kind of puzzles that stimulate the mind is supposed to help your memory or so I have been told. So I diligently work my puzzles without the answer sheet and feel ever so proud of myself keeping the spider webs dusted from my gray matter as I finish 90% of most that I set out to do.I just know that each puzzle I do is preserving and even enhancing my memory. Then something happens that brings me back to reality for instance this morning shopping for groceries. I went to the store without my list. I got EVERYTHING without a hitch. I even remembered the green scrapey things for the pots and pans. I was feeling good about me. I scanned my own groceries and bagged them. I went back to the front of the line to swipe my debit card, got my cart and walked to my car. I popped the trunk and reached around to get my bags to find that I had left them all in the store in the bagging section. I had to walk back into the store and the checkout girl is watching me. I just told her that I had gone to the car to make sure I had enough room for the groceries. Thank goodness she had the sense of a potato because she said " that's a good idea, I never would have thought of that." I got my groceries and left.
I got evaluated for physical therapy on my hands which have developed fairly bad trigger fingers and overall tendonitis. I can't open cans, or unlock a door or brush my teeth without a high degree of pain. The therapist evaluated my back, neck, arms and hands. When I tell you that it felt wonderful to have him squeeze and punch around on those areas I am not lying. After doing my neck and back I told him that I wasn't sure that 15 minutes was enough time to truly do a thorough evaluation. I felt that he should have spent at least and hour on the shoulders and neck. The good news is that I get ultrasounded, massaged and my hands and wrists creamed twice a week for two weeks then three times a week till I am better. WOOOOHOOO I bet it's going to take a while till I feel good again!!! All joking aside the therapist did say that he felt he could help me because I really don't want to have surgery.
Wedding update: We have a dress and it is beautiful. I was going to post a picture of the 'tryons' but decided that it's best to have it a surprise. We also have picked out invitations. Becky and I went one day and had a few that we liked, sort of. I called Frances ( Shane's mama) and asked her to meet us the next day and give her opinion. She looked over our selections and looked at a few more and found the one we are using. Becky and I love it. It's simple, elegant and cheap. Frances.... you are simply the best. My daughter is getting the best in laws. Shane's in laws aren't too shabby either.
Well my faithful two readers it's time for me to get Demi the boxer and go to bed. She is the best bed partner.She curls up next to me and sometimes rests her head across my neck. She lets me know if ANYONE comes in the house. When I am home alone during the day she makes me feel safe. I can sleep if Stan is home as well even though he doesn't growl if someone is outside.
Hugs to all