Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Happy New Year 2013, Resolutions and Goals Oh My!

I went to bed last night thinking of what my resolutions would be this year.  It's tough being as how there are so many things that I need improving on.  Bear with me  as I go through the list.

1) Better bladder control:  This is a biggie.  As I have gotten older I have discovered just how important bladder control is.  I am not at the stage that when I laugh I have an "issue" but it is not far away.  During the night when I have to get up to pee I have to race to the toilet because for some reason my body is so relaxed that it is hard to make it on time.  I am fine laying flat but in the upright position gravity seems to be most powerful that time of night.  Likewise if I have left work (and I have emptied my bladder just before leaving mind you) the MINUTE I get home it's a race to the john.  My goal this year is to manipulate those pesky kegels at least 10 times a day and to invest in "Poise" products just in case my kegel muscles are so atrophied that it won't do any good. 

2) Be a goddess:  This is so happening.  I am so pumped about Medifast.  Many many thanks to my awesome nurse practitioner Aimee Guidry RN, ANP who convinced me that I have a healthy thin person inside of me.  This weight loss will create additional problems that I can foresee.  The weight loss is creating world class under-arm-dingle-dangles (or bat wings) that it will take about 15 grand for me to have surgically removed.  I could start to lift weights to take care of some of the problem but that seems like  a lot of trouble.  I am also concerned that men will be so awestruck at the new me that they will start to follow me and I will have to break hearts everywhere. What is a goddess to do? I will practice being demure, shy and averting my eyes as not to inspire lust.  I will also not wear mini-skirts and 5" heels and tube tops. 

3) Control my mouth:  This is a toughie given that I work in the ER and everyday in every way people come in who just make me want to roll my eyes and pop off with a sarcastic comment.  With the new health care initiative we cannot be sarcastic, we cannot roll our eyes, we cannot tell you just how stupid you are because if you aren't happy we don't get paid. So if you come strolling into the ER and you have a bevy of cats following you like they are following a shrimp fisherman I cannot suggest that you bathe for fear you will give me a bad report.  I am learning by the hardest and I am doing it.  It exhausts me.  I have been blessed by a good group of regular patients who depend on my honesty and do not get offended when I tell them what they need to do to get well.  It's the ones that BEG for  one-liners that just kill me.  I am practicing the teeth-gritted-together grin.  It serves a purpose of keeping my mouth shut and providing a socially acceptable facial expression that is non-committal.  They cannot control what I am saying to myself in my head so I have to be happy with that.  BTW you DO NOT have roaches in your liver.  YOU HAVE CIRRHOSIS.  It is a colonoscopy not a COLONOPOLIS.

4) Shave my legs:  Boy I just hate doing that.  It takes time and it irritates my skin on my legs.  I looked at my legs at work the other night and realized that the 1" hair just has to go.  It is time for my annual GYN exam anyway and I usually shave around that time so my doctor doesn't think he is doing a pelvic on a gorilla.  Also to meet goal 2 I will have to take better care of myself.  To meet this goal I will a) have to move to Europe where it is considered in vogue to have hairy legs or b) to suck it up and once a week run my lady Bic over the 50 remaining hairs that I have.

5) Stop the expletives:  I admit it, I have a mouth like a sailor and I don't want my grandchildren to start repeating what I say.  It is so hard coming up with something that carries the same "oomph" as "bite me you jackass".  My worse offending word is F***.  My mother would be rolling in her grave if she knew how many times a day I say that.   In keeping with goal 2 a goddess should never use that word. Gosh, shoot, goodness are all acceptable words.  I am going to have to wean myself and possibly wash my mouth out with soap.... can you imagine just how fucking awful that would be.

Okay that is it for the new year.  If you are a reader please leave me a comment at the end of this blog to let me know what resolutions that you are striving for because as they say misery loves company. 

Christmas at the Higginbotham's. Very Late Entry.

We had Christmas at our home after the holiday.  My children and my granddaughter Allison, Taunte Jill, Stan and I celebrated a gastronomical event that I spent 2 days making.  I had a blast. Christmas dinner is the only meal I really spend time cooking and I love the "sameness" of the menu.  I learned this year the the sweet potato casserole was back in vogue as it is now a pregnancy "super food" according to my daughter.  I sent almost the whole thing home with her.  The only hitch was that I over cooked the meat.  $170 of rib roast and I cooked it about 20 minutes to long.  Oh well.  If I was perfect I wouldn't be so very lovable. I decorated the table cleaned the crystal and we chowed down.  Afterwards we opened the stockings and the few presents that I had purchased.  I cannot stand a bare tree skirt.  Something has to be sitting on it and under the tree.  I took our family on a cruise again this year and that was their Christmas gift but I still had to have stocking stuffers and very few other little things.  I know that this year I wasn't as "into" it as I normally am.  Part of the problem is that we went on a cruise over Thanksgiving and that is my prime decorating time.  When I got home Jill and I put up the tree, got the lights on and put a few items around but I wasn't feeling the spirit.  I had to work the next few days and then I got sick and was down for the count for about 5 days.  I just didn't get up the energy to put everything out.  Next year will be different.  I will have two grand babies to enthrall with my decorations and things that move and sing.  I will start the middle of November and open all the boxes, put out all the nativity scenes, put batteries in all the animals that sing and it will look like a wonderland! This year Allison, carried by her great Taunte Jill was shown the few singing animals that I had out.  I have to say that she seemed fascinated and did not cry ( that is because she is very appreciative of all things Christmas) this bodes well for future years of visual delights!

I spent two weeks prior to our holiday baking cookies for gifts and attempting my mother's fudge recipe.  How hard can it be to combine 3 cups of sugar, 3/4 cups of Hershey's cocoa and milk.  You stir it till it boils,  then let it boil unattended for about 30 minutes .  All that is easy, the tough part is watching the temperature and getting it to the "soft ball" stage at about 234 degrees.  You let it sit and then after it cools you stir it till it loses it's gloss.  What ever that means.  All I know is that between one stir and the next you pass from fudge straight to cement. I wasted a lot of sugar to bring the memory of my mother's fudge to the table.  I expected my children to swoon in appreciation. Not so much.  They are into creamy fudge and I like the kind that has a grainy quality. 

It is important to me to continue with traditions.  I want Allison and future baby Garrard to be excited to come to grandma's house.  I will raise them  on their Great-grandma Ina's fudge and not let them get ruined by that creamy stuff.  I want to live long enough to pass things on to them that I hold dear to my heart.  I want my traditions to mingle with those that their parents will start so that they will hold the best of both inside their hearts.  I look forward to telling them about the baby that was born in a manger in Bethlehem.  I want them to grow knowing that Jesus is the reason that we celebrate the Christmas season. 

 To all of you from the Higginbothams, Harts, Garrards, and Forbes we wish you a very merry belated Christmas and a Happy New Year.