I go to counseling. I occasionally have homework to do and usually am more comfortable with writing. I like to write and understand that I don't do it well per se because I am not a stickler for punctuation and grammar. I am more of a content girl. I am 72 years old, in the twilight of my life, and I have much less time on this side of heaven than before. I love life and view each day as an adventure. Admittedly I am more sensitive and tend to get my feelings hurt more easily. I find myself crying over religious podcasts. I get emotional over TV shows and movies. I will visit my grands and get teary eyed when I leave them because the love that I feel for them is so intense. Each hug that they give me is a treasure to me. I think about their arms around me, and it brings me such joy. Joshua's kids are less enthusiastic in their outward expressions BUT the last few visits I have gotten a hard hug and when I tell them I love them (which is often to all my grands) I get a return "Love you too" from both of them. When they left the last time, I cried. When my time on earth is over my children and grands will hold the memories of me. I want them to hold me in their hearts with laughter and joy. I want them to remember that I loved them so well. I don't remember being this emotional when my kids were young, maybe I was but I don't remember. I do remember that I never left them without telling them that I loved them. I think I do that because if anything would ever happen to me, I want the last thing I say is I love you.
I have had a productive life. I have been married twice. I was divorced from my son's father when Josh was 3 weeks old. Stan was my second husband and father to my daughter. We stayed married 39 years till his death in 2019. I am alone now and intend on staying that way. I have no interest in disrupting the peace I have now. I have my dogs and my son lives with me. I don't know how long he will stay. Josh says he wants to stay and help me as I get older so that I can stay in my house. I selfishly like this plan but honestly would like him to have his own life unencumbered by a cranky old lady. Time will tell. I know that I depend on him more and more. I still work as often as they call me and in June 2025 will have been a working RN for 50 years. It's much harder now than it was 10 years ago. Physically I am a mess, and I am glad that Josh is here. He helps me up the stairs after a long day, carries in my groceries, takes out the garbage, mows the lawn and cleans. We have issues that we are learning to work through. I have to get to the point where he does not need me for anything except occasional advice. In the past I have taken care of everything relating to bills and appointments because it's something he does not like to do. The other day he admitted that he needs to start managing more because I will not be here. It scares me that I will not have enough time.
I have had 2 hip replacements, I had breast cancer and elected to have bilateral mastectomies at 52. I have battled my weight for years and elected to have a gastric sleeve 3 years ago this September. This was the best decision I have ever made. I can now walk without acute shortness of breath. I can wear great clothes again and feel better about myself. I have hanging skin that is a visible badge to my success and I don't care that it hangs out. Since mid-April I have been suffering with a tendonitis on the outside of my right foot. It is hard to describe that pain that occurs. I have not missed work because quite frankly it hurts at home so I might as well make money. Rest does not seem to be effective. My doctor told me to get custom orthotics to correct my supination. My overpriced insurance will not pay a single dime. I went to Amazon and ordered 2 inserts for plantar supination. They have helped somewhat and cost me 30$ vs the 400$ for the custom made. I also am using Frankincense oil and helichrysum Oil mixed in almond carrier oil. I massage into both feet 3 times a day. This is really "woo-woo" science for me. This was suggested and I am trying anything that might help. I have noticed a difference in the last 3 days, and I work tomorrow so I am anxious to see what a difference it will make. When I got up the other day and navigated my way around the dogs to the bathroom it hit me how "fragile" I felt. I am old. I cannot do the things that I used to with ease. I have early osteopenia and osteoporosis (partially caused by my lack of consumption of calcium since my surgery) I will be taking corrective action, but I am fearful of falling. I am in physical therapy for my foot, and we discussed the need for me to start a weightlifting program for overall wellness. I have the "don't wants". I lack the gumption to go to the gym but it's now a necessity for me to be able to get around if I am blessed to see my 80's.
My friend told me not to let an old lady crawl inside my body (and mind) my answer was I think she has already taken residence. I need to evict her and make the life choices to do just that. I get questioned everyday by my patients why I have not retired. I actually like to work. I love the hospital, the people I work with and my schedule. My patient population is the best. I feel better working and financially I need to work. All my life I have made very poor financial decisions. Now, understand at the time, I closed my eyes, knowing it was not a good idea and forged ahead. I still battle with the desire for immediate gratification in purchases. I am not sure that if I could have a do over if I would change those choices I made. I would love to be able to have the physicality and mental acuity to work till I am at least 76. I don't know what I would do with my time if I stayed home. Being a nurse has been my identity for 50 years. If I quit being a nurse, then I would be the crazy dog lady.
Spirituality had taken a forefront in my life the past year or two. I renewed my walk with Jesus and spend time every day with reading the bible and listening to bible education podcasts. I think about my mom a lot and realize that the time is coming when I will see her again. I am assured that heaven is my destination and worry about my family. My mom worried about her children and grandchildren. She told me before she died that she had prayed for all of us and that she believed that we would all be together again. It's a choice though, I have to choose to follow my Savior and live the life that glorifies my God. I think that a good portion of people as they are facing the last years become more introspective and realize that the lives they have lived have not been for the glory of God. I really regret the years I wasted that I could have spent serving God. I believe that we are in the end times. It is going to be more and more difficult to follow Jesus. I just pray that I can be a light and that I can show the love of our Lord to those that I meet. I pray for my children and my grandchildren that they will know the love of our God and that they too will choose to follow Him.
"Aging is a moral and spiritual frontier because its unknowns, terrors, and mysteries cannot be successfully crossed without humility and self-knowledge, without love and compassion, without acceptance of physical decline and mortality and a sense of the sacred" Thomas R. Cole
