Counseling and Behaviors

 I am seeing a councilor.  Her name is Ann Lavernge and I like her.  I decided that at the age of 70 that I need work and not just on my body and face. I have enough emotional baggage that if I continue to carry it they will need an extra large casket to bury me in.   It's important to get a person that you like and I believe that I found her immediately.  It is early  and she hasn't pushed me too hard yet so I imagine that there will be sessions that will make me uncomfortable but the trust is already there.  My homework this week was to identify a behavior that I want to change.  I came up with two that I feel that I could work on that would have measurable goals thus leading to a success of sorts.  I am a spendthrift and a world class procrastinator. Both have caused me difficulty in my life.  I was aware of these issues but I never consciously set out to deal with them.  

Spendthriftness

Oh God.  I have made an unbelievable amount of money in my life and have little to show for it.  I am not a hoarder in that sense of the word but I love to shop.  I hate going into stores and my addiction of sorts is in online shopping.  I am still working as a nurse primarily to pay off  debts and to have income to buy things.  Honestly other than wigs and press on nails a lot of my spending is on my kids and grands. I am blessed that they love me and express it all of the time and not just when I come carrying gifts.  If they want something I will move heaven and earth to get it for them.  It makes me happy.  Back when my kids were young our Christmas's were ridiculous.  I think it was because I grew up poor and Christmas was so exciting.  We didn't get a lot but the opening of the packages was an unbelievable joy.  Forward to my kids growing up.  I shopped early and long.  I went into debt buying toys, shoes, clothes, and games.  It caused friction between Stan and I each year which was probably why he disliked  Christmas.  I still purchase way to much but as a control for myself I try to limit one big gift and 4 small gifts for each grand.  I dont always meet the goal but I am making an effort.  

Since I have lost weight it is a struggle to stay off the Chico clothes site.  I can wear great clothes now and look so much better.  I have a closet full of fabulous hand-me-downs from my daughter and friend Dana.  I  will probably never get to wear all that I have as I continue to lose.  

I have never had a dollar that I couldn't find a place to give it or spend it.  I have little in savings and that causes me great concern.  Just before I sat down to write this I looked online at Vogue Wigs and Static nails and put things in the shopping cart.  I didn't buy them but they are there just out of reach.  I am generous and if I have it and you need it I will buy it for you.  

I like gadgets.  I bought a laminator to work on my children's memory books.  I really needed it and I do use it a lot so maybe that doesn't count as wasteful spending,  The handheld froth maker for my morning lattes I could have lived without.  I have used it only a handful of times.  

I play a lot of online games and found myself throwing money into them so that I could win.  I stopped that not too long ago.  It hit me that I was getting nothing from that investment and I still play I just don't win  as often.  It sounds stupid but it is very alluring to know that if you just had one more play that you could win.  That is the main reason I don't go to the casino very often.  I probably go once or twice a year. I have a set limit and when it's gone it's gone.  

Procrastination

I will put off doing things that aren't fun to do NOTHING.  I am admittedly the worlds worst housekeeper.  I am having family over for Joshua's birthday tomorrow and have a buttload of housework to do before they come.  I dusted today for the first time in a long long while.  It choked me.  I love to have a tidy house but I just am too lazy to keep up with it.  I did about 10 loads of wash the other day and considered it a victory that I folded it AND put it away.  I have lofty goals but rarely see them through.  I have a Bissell floor cleaner that is easy to use and does a great job.  I should do my kitchen floor daily and I don't.  I have a litany of excuses of why I don't do things that needs to be done.  The truth is when I do them I feel good, but apparently that is not impetus  enough to keep me going.  I have several projects that need to get done and don't do them.   I have lost a lot of weight, and now need to exercise to build muscle and strength.  I have a gym membership.  I don't go.  I have the time I really do but I just don't go.  I have a serious case of the "don't wants"  I don't want to do it and lack the basic discipline to get up and move.

I just spoke with my daughter and asked for her input she said that I have a constant need to "fix" other peoples problems.  She will call and mention a problem just to voice her frustration and I immediately go into "solve" mode.  She just wanted to talk she didn't want me to fix it for her.  I do this with everyone.  I am not sure how to fix this.  Understanding her, I can see how this would stymie her conversing with me about issues. My son could offer no suggestions.  He said that issues he had 6 months ago are no longer a problem  and that he could see the work I have done to change.  He could not tell me however what I had changed.  

  I have had sadness and great joy in my life and find that I often think about those times.  I revisit conversations and situations that I should have dealt with another way.  It truly is a monumental waste of time to do the should of/would of/could of routine but I do it anyway.  Maybe that is a natural part of the 'joy'  of aging.  I look forward to my meetings with Ann I have a feeling she can help me sort myself out.