Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Happy New Year 2013, Resolutions and Goals Oh My!

I went to bed last night thinking of what my resolutions would be this year.  It's tough being as how there are so many things that I need improving on.  Bear with me  as I go through the list.

1) Better bladder control:  This is a biggie.  As I have gotten older I have discovered just how important bladder control is.  I am not at the stage that when I laugh I have an "issue" but it is not far away.  During the night when I have to get up to pee I have to race to the toilet because for some reason my body is so relaxed that it is hard to make it on time.  I am fine laying flat but in the upright position gravity seems to be most powerful that time of night.  Likewise if I have left work (and I have emptied my bladder just before leaving mind you) the MINUTE I get home it's a race to the john.  My goal this year is to manipulate those pesky kegels at least 10 times a day and to invest in "Poise" products just in case my kegel muscles are so atrophied that it won't do any good. 

2) Be a goddess:  This is so happening.  I am so pumped about Medifast.  Many many thanks to my awesome nurse practitioner Aimee Guidry RN, ANP who convinced me that I have a healthy thin person inside of me.  This weight loss will create additional problems that I can foresee.  The weight loss is creating world class under-arm-dingle-dangles (or bat wings) that it will take about 15 grand for me to have surgically removed.  I could start to lift weights to take care of some of the problem but that seems like  a lot of trouble.  I am also concerned that men will be so awestruck at the new me that they will start to follow me and I will have to break hearts everywhere. What is a goddess to do? I will practice being demure, shy and averting my eyes as not to inspire lust.  I will also not wear mini-skirts and 5" heels and tube tops. 

3) Control my mouth:  This is a toughie given that I work in the ER and everyday in every way people come in who just make me want to roll my eyes and pop off with a sarcastic comment.  With the new health care initiative we cannot be sarcastic, we cannot roll our eyes, we cannot tell you just how stupid you are because if you aren't happy we don't get paid. So if you come strolling into the ER and you have a bevy of cats following you like they are following a shrimp fisherman I cannot suggest that you bathe for fear you will give me a bad report.  I am learning by the hardest and I am doing it.  It exhausts me.  I have been blessed by a good group of regular patients who depend on my honesty and do not get offended when I tell them what they need to do to get well.  It's the ones that BEG for  one-liners that just kill me.  I am practicing the teeth-gritted-together grin.  It serves a purpose of keeping my mouth shut and providing a socially acceptable facial expression that is non-committal.  They cannot control what I am saying to myself in my head so I have to be happy with that.  BTW you DO NOT have roaches in your liver.  YOU HAVE CIRRHOSIS.  It is a colonoscopy not a COLONOPOLIS.

4) Shave my legs:  Boy I just hate doing that.  It takes time and it irritates my skin on my legs.  I looked at my legs at work the other night and realized that the 1" hair just has to go.  It is time for my annual GYN exam anyway and I usually shave around that time so my doctor doesn't think he is doing a pelvic on a gorilla.  Also to meet goal 2 I will have to take better care of myself.  To meet this goal I will a) have to move to Europe where it is considered in vogue to have hairy legs or b) to suck it up and once a week run my lady Bic over the 50 remaining hairs that I have.

5) Stop the expletives:  I admit it, I have a mouth like a sailor and I don't want my grandchildren to start repeating what I say.  It is so hard coming up with something that carries the same "oomph" as "bite me you jackass".  My worse offending word is F***.  My mother would be rolling in her grave if she knew how many times a day I say that.   In keeping with goal 2 a goddess should never use that word. Gosh, shoot, goodness are all acceptable words.  I am going to have to wean myself and possibly wash my mouth out with soap.... can you imagine just how fucking awful that would be.

Okay that is it for the new year.  If you are a reader please leave me a comment at the end of this blog to let me know what resolutions that you are striving for because as they say misery loves company. 

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