Friday, March 28, 2008

To Fart or Not to Fart

I really don't want to offend anyone so take note this more than likely is a R rated post as I am going to discuss a personal body function so if you are easily offended you really need to stop here. What has been placed upon my heart to discuss is farts. Call it what you want...gas, stinkers, farts, bubbles, toots, nose burners WHATEVER, it amounts to the same thing flatulence or flatus. Flatus is the unpleasant odor of gas passing thru the intestinal tract. This unpleasant odor is made up of such gasses as indole, skatole, and most commonly hydrogen sulfide. (My children will swear that flatus is made up of digested White Castles) It has become apparent that during my 30 years as an ER nurse that a high majority of stomach pain that presents to the ER (minus a fever) is caused by GAS. I am constantly amazed that people just don't stay home and deal with it on their own. Instead they come to the ER, spend a thousand bucks for the visit, the x-ray and the professional cost of the ER MD to tell them that they have gas. It came to me that most probably these poor suffering people don't have a clue how to rid themselves of excess bubbles. So my two faithful readers this is your lucky day!!!I am going to share with you my years of knowledge in dealing with the pain of excess gas. First of all, if at all possible, use your head. If you are going to sit down to a meal of cabbage, broccoli, and navy bean soup, do the world a favor and buy some Gas-X or Bean-o and take as directed. But sometimes a food just up and gives you the worst cramps ever created and you walk around groaning just wishing you could let it rip. STOP WALKING and get on the floor on your knees with your butt in the air and your face on the carpet. Gas rises. Pretty soon all that trapped gas will just bubble to the surface and relief is but a toot away. Now given that some people have larger butts than other people take note that you may need to grasp each buttock and 'spread your cheeks' to obtain OGE or optimum gas expulsion. When my kids were little and complained of gas, I would upend them and it just worked like a little charm.
Recently I had a large visitor to the ER with gas. She weighed in at about 400lbs but admitted to only 250. She waltzed in in Daisy Duke shorts and a latex top. The shorts were completely unzipped so that I was gifted with the picture of her HUGE overhanging belly. I mentioned to her about getting your butt higher than your head and when I walked by her room she was on the stretcher with her butt facing the door. She had her butt up in the air with her face pressed into the stretcher. I opened the door to pull the curtain across the window and she informed me that it wasn't working. I decided not to tell her the method of OGE(see above) because I didn't think she could manage to get her arms around her buttocks to assume the position without smothering herself.
You remember when you first started dating a new guy how you would rather blow up than pass gas. Truth be known if you were like most girls, you didn't eat or use the bathroom while in the presence of your boyfriend, at least until you got the engagement ring. Guys usually didn't have the same misgivings about bodily functions and would fart and indeed think it was just the funniest thing especially if in the presence of their friends. I dated a guy in college who used to light his farts. He would bend over and hold a lighter to his butt and expel gas. He did have other redeeming qualities but it was touch and go for the dating after the first time I saw him do that. I had a friend who dated this guy who thought it was totally cool for him to stop and say to all of us.."Listen to this" and he would bend over and expel gas swearing that it sounded just like a goose honking. Maybe it was just guys from Ohio in the 70's that did this stuff but I have heard other women in the south discuss the same thing.
It's always a good idea if you have a chronic gas problem to own a pet. You can pass off any silent-but-deadly expulsions as a pet problem unless of course the dog jumps up and takes one whiff of your back end and gags.
Last piece of advice to women. It really isn't ladylike or fair to fart in bed and wave the covers just because he didn't take the trash out. (it's not fair but it sure is funny!!)
Have a good day.

1 comment:

TIff said...

I laughed so hard at this...you are a great writer!!