Maria

 I took this picture 2 years ago at Christmas and it has remained one of my favorites of Maria and Ariana. My friend is gone,  She was killed in a head on collision Monday morning on her way to work.  She leaves behind her devastated daughter and a multitude of friends who will miss her with a pain that is palpable.  

Maria and Michael moved into our neighborhood over 20 years ago.  I really didn't connect with her immediately as they were starting their office in Churchpoint and worked from dawn to dusk and I worked 12 hour shift so we missed each other.  I actually do not remember when we became friends but I remember she was pregnant with Ariana and I had a baby shower for her.  I first saw Ariana when they brought her home from the hospital.  She had a mass of curls and the most beautiful skin.  Maria was besotted with her from the beginning.  She always had her baby dressed in beautiful outfits and we would put her in her stroller and walk the neighborhood with her.  Ariana only had her mom for 17 years and that just wasn't enough.  Maria continued to work in their office but her primary focus was her daughter.  She made sure as Ariana grew up that she had adventures and exposure to the arts, music and education.  She became a scout leader and was a blessing to all her charges.  Ariana loved all things Disney and they made multiple trips a year, until recently, to DisneyWorld.  December 2019 she accompanied me, my son and his children to Disney.  She planned the entire trip to maximum exposure for the kids to have fun.  She again accompanied me, my daughter and her family in February 2020.  It was always about the children.  She had an enormous soft spot for children.  It was her superpower.  She passed that on to Ariana.  When I would have all five of my grands on an outing Maria and Ariana would frequently accompany us.  Thank God.  When I was about to pull my hair out she would quietly talk to them and they listened.  My grands are devastated at the senseless death of their Ms. Maria.  They are equally worried about Ariana who doesn't have a mommy now.  

I am blessed with about 5 ride or die friends.  Maria was one of that small group.  My friends loved her.  Jill and Ruthie are as devastated as we all are at her death.  I usually talked with her at least twice a day.  She called me in the morning and I called her at night on my way home from work.  We often touched bases several other times during the day.  We always ended the called with an I love you. I always end my calls to my friends with that... it has become important to me especially as I get older to let my friends know that they are really loved.  She spent every Christmas with us for the past few years and took joy in seeing my grands open presents.  Again it was all about the children.  

She was an animal lover.  We had a huge population of feral cats in our neighborhood and she took it upon herself to trap 36 of them, transport them to a group that neuters and spays at a reduced cost.  The hitch was that she had to take them all back.  She fed them, and in the winter set up heating lamps on her front porch  so they were warm.  Ariana inherited her mom's love for animals and has added on to their collection with Geese and chickens.  They are owners of Cookie the German Shepard and Sugar the Great Pyrenees.  They also have the ankle biter Eddie.  My grands named the chickens.  She was a good pet mama.  She would frequently be at the vets for sick cats that were outside.  She could not stand to see an animal suffer.   

Maria made it her mission to get me to be fiscally responsible.  When I found myself upended in debt with seemingly no hope she made it possible to me to see a light at the end of the tunnel and spent hours making a ledger of what I needed to pay when.  I am still a spendthrift but learned to call her first when I wanted to make a big purchase(anything over 50$) and we would discuss it.  I bowed to her decisions almost every time.  The times that I didn't I regretted the purchase. 

Her parents are still living.  Her mother, also named Maria, has a form of dementia. Her father Juan had to put Maria in a wonderful home with less than 10 people in it for care.  He visits her every week. Making a 1.5 hour drive.  He then stays in St.  Petersburg so that he can see her for several days before he goes back home.  Maria had just visited them less than a month ago.  She has  a sister Anna from New York who I believe is a teacher.  She also leaves behind another "daughter" Jessy Hargis.  Jessy is such an important part of Maria and Ariana.  She is here with Ariana now and is grieving the loss of her "mommy" as much as Ariana.  

I never heard Maria say a negative word about anyone.  In one of our frequent talks she dropped the F bomb.  I was stunned speechless.  Then I started to laugh until tears were rolling down my face.  She said to me its not FUNNY.  That made me laugh harder.  Then we both were laughing.  

She was a Christian as is Ariana.  She believed sincerely in the power of prayer,   Her daughter is the same.  Ariana takes her faith seriously and has not wavered even with the accident. She knows she is in Heaven and her faith gifts her with the knowledge that she will see her mama again.  

Maria was so proud of Ariana who has been accepted into LSU in the fall.  She wants to become a vet.  The night before the accident we all had dinner at my house with my sister Patti.  Maria was talking about her garden that in her "spare" time she wanted to get in.  She talked about Ariana's future endeavors at LSU.  She would look at her daughter with such love.  It was inspiring how she molded this child into the young woman she is today.  Arianna was her greatest gift and she did everything she could to get her the experiences that she will need to carry on without her.  

I am grateful Maria that you  were my friend.  I looked last night with Ariana at the posts on your FB wall and we were both in tears.  You were such a friend, a light, a joy to all those you came in contact with.  We all are grieving our collective loss, the absence of a friend who never judged, who put us first before herself, who loved totally without reservation and the one who often hid her own pain.  Ariana said it best light night.  My mom is at peace.  She is with Jesus and I know she is happy.

 I will miss you till my time is done on this earth and then gratefully will see you again.  We will guard and protect your baby.  We will celebrate her successes and help to support here when she falls.  It's a privilege to be part of her life.  

God speed my dear, dear friend.  I love you 

Before and After. My Journey

 
I cannot believe it has been a WHOLE year since I started this journey.  I have had ups and downs but to be fair it has mostly been up. 

I started this journey because I simply could not breathe when walking.  It was so bad that as I was walking into work, I had to stop several times to bend over and catch my breath. Walking up and down from room to room was exhausting and even patients would mention that they were concerned and that embarrassed me to no end. Medicare denied me when I first applied until I mentioned it to my orthopedic doctor, Scott Yerger.  He wrote me a letter and I was accepted.  There are foods I cannot eat comfortably like raw cauliflower and broccoli which I love.  I can eat rice but only small amounts because it seems to sit on my stomach and makes my gut swell.  I have developed an intolerance to  milk but am not bothered by butter.  I do not like overly sweet things because it makes me nauseated.  I have learned to drink carbonated drinks but don't really like them EXCEPT tonic water that I use to make my Gin and tonics.  I don't drink a lot, but I do like my G and T's.   I am an abject failure as far as the exercise aspect of my journey.  I joined the gym and went twice, and I will not renew.  I have enough equipment at my house to use to tone up I just need to get the discipline to work out. My grandchildren were concerned that I might lose my "squishies" when I lost weight.  They are happy to know that the squishies are still there they just hang lower.  I will not have plastic surgery to correct the under-arm dingle-danglies, nor will I invest the money in having my thighs taken in.  My goal was to improve the quality of my life and I am doing that.  I am 15 to 20 lbs from my goal and I will do it.  I have also discovered something else.  I no longer care that I have arm flab.  If you don't like it then don't look.  If my legs jiggle in a bathing suit, so what? I have lost nearly 80 lbs which is 320 sticks of butter.  I have gone from a 3x scrubs to a large, 22-24 in regular clothes to a 16 and will probably end up in a 14 when I hit my goal.  I have gone from a 22-24 in Lane Bryant underwear to a 9 in Walmart drawers.  I can cross my legs, wipe my butt, and thankfully eliminated the occasional odor that excess fat rolls cause.   I cannot squat but that's an ortho issue. I have continued otho problems that I am taking steps to correct.  I walk like a duck according to my daughter and it's true.  I lean forward walking because of a hip issue.  I am seeing Dr. Yerger tomorrow and find out about dealing with a bone spur in my left hip that I should have had corrected 3 years ago.  The problem is that it will involve a large needle and I get sick to my stomach thinking about it.  After that will go back into physical therapy to correct my balance.  

I will gladly admit to vanity when it comes to my face and have gone to Nouveau Visage for lifts, fillers and all around tightening up.  I will continue that as it makes me feel better. 

I cannot say enough wonderful things about Dr. Eschette and his staff.  at Acadiana Weight Loss Surgery.  Dr. Eschette and his NP Brook are a constant source of encouragement.  Dr. Eschette told me on my first visit that he knew I could do this.  Kate, the diet guru, has such a professional demeanor that is tempered with a genuine caring. I looked forward to seeing her.  I didn't hedge the truth with her because it would not have helped my journey.  She offered so many good suggestions that I have committed to memory.  Thank you so much Kate for everything.  Nicole was the exercise and measurement person.  I laughed with her each time I went in to get measured.  I feel like I failed her because I just did not exercise.  I walk about 8000 steps a day at work and did not have the energy to go to the gym.  I was honest though and she just continued to provide encouragement.  I have cleared off my exercise equipment and now  I have the desire to show her that I CAN do it.  When I hit my goal I am going back to see them all  They have given me my life back.  I always felt that they were invested in my success.  They have a new receptionist.  Kathleen is a hoot.  I told her that I felt they, as a group, selected the farthest  office from the front of the building on purpose.  As  a short of breath, old, and fat person it is a an unbelievable distance to get to their place.  On my first visit I had to stop and bend over to breath about 5 times before I got there.  Kathleen laughed and agreed with me.  She is the first person you see when you go in and she is the one who sets the tone for your visit.  Kathleen you are awesome and need a raise!

This has taken me a few days to finish and I saw Dr. Yerger yesterday.  He was beyond pleased about the new me.   The good news is I don't need to have a humongous needle inserted into my hip.  The bad news is I need a new hip. I am actually looking forward to getting rid of the pain.  I set the appointment for surgery to mid January for several reasons. My work schedule is the main reason and I will tie my recovery time into my vacation with Becky and her family the last week of February.   Another big reason   is to start exercising now to increase my strength, stamina,  and to build muscles.  I "sailed" through my left hip surgery but I was about 5 years younger. Becky will tell you I was also a whiney baby, which is true.    I am now thinner and older so I need every advantage on my side.  I asked Dr. Yerger if I could stay on the rehab unit for a week after surgery and, get this, MY BMI IS TOO SMALL to meet the criteria for inpatient rehab.  He will schedule home PT visits for me until I can drive.  

I am so happy I chose to have the gastric sleeve.  The first week was a killer but as I progressed I was glad that I was able to do this for myself.  It is all about my quality of life.  It is nice to be able to wear smaller clothes and be able to walk into work without the horrible shortness of breath.  I truly wish I had done this years ago and cannot encourage others enough to think about this procedure for morbid obesity.  Each of us are granted this life but it's up to us to make it the best life possible. 

GUS

 I came home without Gus today.  My heart is broken.  I sat there at the Lafayette Veterinary Care Center waiting for the final diagnosis wondering if I did the best thing by adopting my goofy big boy. 

He was born in December 2021 and was just 6 months old.  He was a couch addict, and a big goof ball.  I forced both the dogs off the furniture so he proceeded to adopt the stool and would perch on it  and rock it back and forth.  He was an intrusive, in your face kind of dog.  I couldn't go the the bathroom without him sitting in front of me to lick my face and nuzzle my neck.  He was a gentle giant who loved his fur brother Bruce from the moment they met.  They played, wrestled and slept together. Bruce would keep his paw around his neck in sleep.  

We adopted him April 23.  He was gangly and tall weighing in about 60 pounds.  At his first vet visit here he was up to 100 lbs and was taller and more gangly.  He had trouble walking with his big feet and often tripped himself when he tried to run.  He and Bruce were instant best buds and were never far from each other. We have a large fenced in back yard and they ran and played until they dropped.  He ate 8 cups of food a day and drank gallons of water.  He had a large umbilical  hernia that we watched closely hoping that it would be okay until about 15 months when he would get neutered and have the hernia repaired at the same time.  He was a constant source of irritation to little Peanut but never hurt her.  He just felt it was his job to poke her with his big nose and bathe her with his tongue.  Peanut did not like the attention.  

The dogs learned to open the gate and they would escape and run the neighborhood.  This behavior just started about a month ago.  Josh re-secured the fence and checked for holes.  I do not know how they got out last night but they did.  Bruce came home alone and was banished to the laundry room for time out.  I got home at ten and went thru my neighborhood calling for him.  Bruce is stronger and faster and I believe that he left his buddy in the dust and Gus got lost.  We have a coyote problem in our neighborhood and they have been feeding on the neighborhood cats.  My big fear was that Gus would encounter them and they would kill him.  He didn't view any dog as a threat.  He was just a big big baby.  Hudson my neighbor's son stopped me in my car as I was looking for Gus.  He had traps out for the coyotes but disabled them when he heard about Gus just in case Gus would get hurt.  Bruce whined when I let him out of the laundry room and went from door to door I believe looking for Gus.   

This morning, Hudson's mom Summer knocked at my door to tell me that her daughter Savannah found him in a ditch off of the main street to my road.  Josh and I hopped in the car and drove the two blocks.  He was surrounded by the neighbors and they had given him water. The S.O. was there to manage traffic.   He wagged his tail when he saw Josh and Joshua was able to lift him up and put him in the back of my car.  He was so broken.  His front legs were horribly swollen and his back leg was angled.  

I took him to the emergency Vet clinic and they helped me get him on a stretcher.  He was in considerable pain.  They managed his pain immediately and took him off for xrays.  The news was not good.  He was damaged so badly and after talking to my friend.  Dr. Kay McGuire I made the decision to put him down.  Becky was in Lafayette and came with the kids for support.  We got to be with him and love on him for a time and then he gently and quietly crossed the Rainbow Bridge.  I cannot describe how devasted Josh and I feel.  It will be a long while before the pain goes away. 

I want to first say how grateful I am to Dr. Ali Guidry, and staff Jessica, Ashlyn, and Andrew for their obvious compassion with our big baby and with me.  You all are a credit to your profession.  You made a horrible situation bearable because of your kindness.  

To the person who hit Gus: I know your car was damaged.  He was a big dog.  It was most likely dark and he is black.  I do not harbor any ill will towards you.  I am grateful to the people who tried to minister to him and to Savannah  for finding my boy so that we could have that final time together.  

My house is quiet.  Bruce is on the couch next to me.  He did not eat this morning.  He knows that something is off.  My neighbor Maria has gone through  the loss of two dogs with me.  I value her compassion as well.  To all those who prayed for my boy on Facebook I can only say thank you. 

I had a fleeting vision at that last moment of Gus and Koray playing together in the place that Dogs go and had peace.   

Winston's birthday, Covid, Underwear explosion, Procrastination, and My Mom.

 I have never missed one of my grands birthday's.  Their birthdays count as very important days for me.  This year I will miss Winston's party because I have Covid.  My last blog I wrote about my granddaughter's friend who spent the night and then became ill with a high fever.  I was sure that it was the flu.  Wrong.  It was covid.  I missed Mother's Day because I was exposed to what ever she had.  Monday I started getting a cold.  On Wednesday I tested positive for Covid.  It really has not been bad.  I just have the mother of all colds.  I also am being treated with Ivermectin and Zithromax.   I can go back to work this next Monday but I will miss my grandson's birthday.  As I age certain days are not to be missed because it may be the last one.  That's pretty morbid thinking but it's true.  He will be having a party minus his Mimi, Uncle Josh and his cousins.  That pretty much sucks but we have all been exposed.  After his party his mom is bringing him by to get his gifts.  I will be a safe distance away while I watch him open his presents.  

I have missed 2 days of work.  What is sad is that I have worked feeling worse than I do now but such is the situation we all find ourselves in.  I will be back on Monday.  I have been home for nearly a week now and other than taking care of my garden have done nothing.  I got up today and decided that I would dig thru my room and get it in order.  I have a lot of stuff.  I have  30+ panties.  THIRTY.  I could wear a pair of day and not have to wash but once a month.  I have over 20 bras and spanx type garments.  The problem is I don't wear bras or anything remotely similar to a girdle.  The last time I spent longer than 4 hours in a spanx was at my daughter's wedding in 2008 and it took 3 people to get me into the damn thing.  Stan used to tell me to wear something to control  the bulges.  He was rude.  Well he was right but still rude.  I haven't worn a bra consistently since 2003 when I had my mastectomies.  Now I only wear a bra with sweaters to control the side fat.  You have to question why I have all those unworn undergarments and I don't have a good answer.  You certainly cannot give them away there is a yuck factor involved with that idea.  I have thrown away all except 2.  I feel better but hate the waste.  As for the Spanx items I am keeping one.  Just in case.  The rest I want to burn.  I hung up all the clothes I had on chairs and exercise equipment.   I have organized my shoes.  I then got sidetracked by my desk of pictures so I decided to take a break and blog for a while.  If I did 30 minutes a day to put things away and to keep up I would be so much better off.  I have a short attention span.  I have made lists and promised myself rewards for sticking to my daily goals and it doesn't work.  I procrastinate till the last minute.  It really does make my life harder and that is one of the things I am working on in therapy.   There are so many other things I would rather do than clean and organize. 

Mom left us 20 years ago yesterday, and I miss her still.  My sister and I share her collection of English Bone China cups and last night I got out a cup, drank some tea and thought about her.  She was one in a million and would have loved her great grandchildren.  At certain times I will see a fleeting expression or a look from my children and grandchildren that reminds me of her.  She is alive in her heirs.  I am grateful.

Mother's Day 2022. There is a Catch

 My Mother's Day is not what I had planned.  You see, my daughter called and offered me several options for celebrating today.  She offered brunch, dinner, coming to her farm and basically whatever I wanted. I chose the farm and instead of dinner I wanted her amazing hors d'oeuvres.  Then she sweetened the pot and said we could have a free style painting day with the kids.  She had the paints and canvases and my grands love to paint as do I.  It sounded like a glorious day.  Go back to Friday.  My granddaughter Allison  wanted her friend Aubrey to come spend the night and I agreed.  The girls had a great night playing and making videos.  Saturday morning I was out in my garden weeding and Josh came to get me saying the Aubrey couldn't move her legs. I came in and with my 44 years of ED nursing guessed that most of her symptoms were drama related.  No pain, no nausea just couldn't move.  She was on the top bunk and she is at least a foot taller than my granddaughter and there was no way I could lift her off the bunk.  I mustered my best ER voice, told her to roll over NOW.  Josh was able to get her down and I pointed out to her that she was moving her legs so she could walk.  I got her the  couch, took her temperature and it was 98.6.  I questioned her and got mumbled replies.  I don't do well with ANYONE who won't speak up and won't answer questions.  It literally makes me nuts.  So enter the bitch nurse.  She finally spoke up and had no real symptoms but stated it had happened before(which was news to her mom). We called her mom at work and she felt it might be her coming of age "time".  Great.  Anyway less than an hour later she looked like crap and I retook her temperature and it had soared to 104.6.  CRAP.  I dosed her with Advil and Tylenol and then got into a war of wills about getting the blankets off and her into light weight clothing.  I won for the most part.  After dealing with all the 9 year old attitude I could deal with told my son he had sick duty and I took off for Lowes to get garden stuff.  More on that later.  On the way there I was crying so hard I could hardly see.  I had to call Becky.  I needed to let her know that I was exposed to, what appeared to this old nurse,  flu.  She assured me that Mother's Day could be next weekend.  You all have no idea how excited I was for today.  I can't even describe my disappointment but Becky is right and we can do it next weekend.  I keep reminding myself that it is just a day and that I have so many blessings.  Today I will work in my garden. Yay.

My garden is growing as is the grass and weeds.  I was looking at my little growing plants and noted that some of the leaves had been nibbled on.  I had planned on doing all things natural including getting rid of the pests.  Then the Aubrey  plague happened.  I was not in the mood for natural pest ridding techniques.  I wanted to annihilate the bastards.  I bought  Sevin Spray and dust.  Today they are history.  

Last night I made meatloaf again.  According the Josh and the kids it was good.  I apparently have conquered my history of meatloaf disasters, bless God. 

I went to bed last night thinking about my mom.  She would have laughed about my day yesterday and also sympathized with me about the whole situation.  She was such a good humored, kind person.  I miss her every single day.  She went to meet her Lord on Mother's Day 2002.  She was in the hospital and she told the nurse, after having a great day, that Jesus came to her and told her she would be coming home.  She did go and I know that she is in a glorious place.  I still miss her with every fiber in my being.  She loved me unconditionally and I miss that total acceptance.  As an added plus she thought I was really funny.  Her greatest wish was that her girls would be close and we are.  

Mother's Day is an American holiday but I will post this with the final wish to all the mothers over the world have a wonderful Mother's Day:

Happy Mothers day 

Glad Mors Dag

Schonen Muttertag

Haha no hi omedeto

Muqin jie kuaile

Z Dnem Materi

furaha kwa siku ya kina mama

Bonne fete des meres

Eid am saeid

Feliz Dia das Maes

Feliz dia de la madre

Buona festa della mamma

Charoumeni giorti tis mitera

Hau'oli la makuahine

Ama Beehaniihigii binahji

Yom em sam'ach

Latha nam Mathraichean sona

La'na Maithreacha sonna duit

Chuc mung ngay cua me

..... and all the rest. 💓💓💓

The Cake, My Cooking Acumen, and my Butt

 I take cake decorating classes.  I do fine as long as Rachel, my teacher, is there. In fact I can make a cake and remember enough of the lessons that I can get it decorated(sans roses... I cannot make a fricken rose to save my soul) and I am not ashamed of the way it looks.  I made a Red Velvet cake for my son's birthday.  It was not my usual recipe because I couldn't find that one nor could I remember the name.  I used one off the internet labeled "THE BEST  RED VELVET CAKE EVER".  Not to be ugly but that bitch lied.  I kept thinking that it wasn't right but considering it was the  best EVER I persevered.  You know, after finishing the batter, you sneak a taste?  Well, it didn't taste right.  I had Joshua come in and had him taste it.  His exact words  "I need to spit this out".  He thought it was icing and when he realized it was the cake batter he encouraged me to keep on because it was probably great when cooked. So I kept on and even made a second batch so that we could have a "taste" cake before I served it to anyone else.  It was sort of ok.  He ate a lot and his kids loved it, me not so much.  I decorated and served it the next day.  I took a bite and had trouble swallowing it and pronounced it the worst cake ever. It called for vegetable oil and I used a new bottle just purchased.  It tasted like old oil.   Unfortunately my son in law also took a bite and now my red velvet cake is on the list of things he will never eat from me.  The other being "THE BEST EVER MEATLOAF"  that I made for him and was the most disgusting thing I have ever cooked. It smelled good too and as I recall the kids ate that as well.    Kids must have  underdeveloped taste buds considering they eat playdoh and paste and think its great.  I was telling my friend Desiree Fairley about the disaster and she mentioned that she uses the Waldorf Astoria Red Velvet Cake recipe.  DING.  That was it.  I made my first R. V. cake when I was about 20 for a boyfriend.  I got the recipe from the Columbus Dispatch and made it exactly as written.  Even back then I was not a cook.  It didn't look pretty but it was delish.  Mike ate half the cake.  Mom loved it and that was the best praise.  Well I decided to remake the cake today with the true best ever recipe. it came out good.  Honestly. the cake was a little dry but other than that, no oil taste just the hint of cocoa and the icing was perfect.   I have redeemed myself at least as far as a R.V.  cake goes.  I can cook in a way.  I am not starving but I am not one of those people who can open up the fridge, turn on the air-fryer and produce a lovely meal.  I do a lot of stir fry.  I put left over veggies in a pan sauté them and then add them to beef, chicken, pork, or shrimp that I have already cooked.   Don't ask me to fry chicken or make a meatloaf.  I have, on occasion, made fried chicken that was cooked thoroughly and tasted okay.  It doesn't happen often. I have tried meatloaf over the years and have failed miserably ending in the disaster that I fed Shane.  The other day I made one from a Keto recipe and it, saints be praised, tasted decent.  No one but me and my son's children know this because the piece I sent home for Shane went uneaten.  When I first got married to husband #1 I had to call my mom to find out how long you cooked a hotdog.  I knew you had to cook pork well.  The hotdogs were huge and waterlogged and my mom laughed hysterically.  I don't think Steve knew I couldn't cook because I would order out and come home to throw the take-out in my pans and get rid of the cartons.  I did that a lot and should get points for ingenuity.  I was working back then and pregnant thus had the excuse of being to tired to cook or being nauseated.  Steve cooked.  When I married Stan I was upfront about my lack of cooking but by then I learned to follow a few recipes and was able to make several things.  I am the queen of casseroles.  My Christmas dinner has been the same for over 30 years and includes an assortment of casseroles and prime rib.  I don't vary the menu and I can make it blindfolded.  I love my cake decorating classes so much and found out that you can take cooking classes in Lafayette.  I am going to sign up and I am pretty excited about it.  70 years old is not to old to learn new things.    

My weight loss is going well.  I am down to the double digit kilos.  I have lost better than 60 lbs and  can feel and see the difference. Yesterday I looked in the mirror standing sideways and realized that I don't have a butt.   There is no definition between my thigh and my butt.    I have a 2  large legs that starts at my waist that just happen to have a crack in the middle.  I have avoided going to the gym because I am lazy but have a renewed interest in going when I looked at myself from the side. I realized I am pounds away from having a droopy little old lady ass.  I can't afford butt implants so I am going to have to do it the old-fashion way and exercise. I will never have buns of steel nor do I want a Kardashian derriere but I  just want to be able to  see where my thigh begins when I am turned sideways.  

Counseling and Behaviors

 I am seeing a councilor.  Her name is Ann Lavernge and I like her.  I decided that at the age of 70 that I need work and not just on my body and face. I have enough emotional baggage that if I continue to carry it they will need an extra large casket to bury me in.   It's important to get a person that you like and I believe that I found her immediately.  It is early  and she hasn't pushed me too hard yet so I imagine that there will be sessions that will make me uncomfortable but the trust is already there.  My homework this week was to identify a behavior that I want to change.  I came up with two that I feel that I could work on that would have measurable goals thus leading to a success of sorts.  I am a spendthrift and a world class procrastinator. Both have caused me difficulty in my life.  I was aware of these issues but I never consciously set out to deal with them.  

Spendthriftness

Oh God.  I have made an unbelievable amount of money in my life and have little to show for it.  I am not a hoarder in that sense of the word but I love to shop.  I hate going into stores and my addiction of sorts is in online shopping.  I am still working as a nurse primarily to pay off  debts and to have income to buy things.  Honestly other than wigs and press on nails a lot of my spending is on my kids and grands. I am blessed that they love me and express it all of the time and not just when I come carrying gifts.  If they want something I will move heaven and earth to get it for them.  It makes me happy.  Back when my kids were young our Christmas's were ridiculous.  I think it was because I grew up poor and Christmas was so exciting.  We didn't get a lot but the opening of the packages was an unbelievable joy.  Forward to my kids growing up.  I shopped early and long.  I went into debt buying toys, shoes, clothes, and games.  It caused friction between Stan and I each year which was probably why he disliked  Christmas.  I still purchase way to much but as a control for myself I try to limit one big gift and 4 small gifts for each grand.  I dont always meet the goal but I am making an effort.  

Since I have lost weight it is a struggle to stay off the Chico clothes site.  I can wear great clothes now and look so much better.  I have a closet full of fabulous hand-me-downs from my daughter and friend Dana.  I  will probably never get to wear all that I have as I continue to lose.  

I have never had a dollar that I couldn't find a place to give it or spend it.  I have little in savings and that causes me great concern.  Just before I sat down to write this I looked online at Vogue Wigs and Static nails and put things in the shopping cart.  I didn't buy them but they are there just out of reach.  I am generous and if I have it and you need it I will buy it for you.  

I like gadgets.  I bought a laminator to work on my children's memory books.  I really needed it and I do use it a lot so maybe that doesn't count as wasteful spending,  The handheld froth maker for my morning lattes I could have lived without.  I have used it only a handful of times.  

I play a lot of online games and found myself throwing money into them so that I could win.  I stopped that not too long ago.  It hit me that I was getting nothing from that investment and I still play I just don't win  as often.  It sounds stupid but it is very alluring to know that if you just had one more play that you could win.  That is the main reason I don't go to the casino very often.  I probably go once or twice a year. I have a set limit and when it's gone it's gone.  

Procrastination

I will put off doing things that aren't fun to do NOTHING.  I am admittedly the worlds worst housekeeper.  I am having family over for Joshua's birthday tomorrow and have a buttload of housework to do before they come.  I dusted today for the first time in a long long while.  It choked me.  I love to have a tidy house but I just am too lazy to keep up with it.  I did about 10 loads of wash the other day and considered it a victory that I folded it AND put it away.  I have lofty goals but rarely see them through.  I have a Bissell floor cleaner that is easy to use and does a great job.  I should do my kitchen floor daily and I don't.  I have a litany of excuses of why I don't do things that needs to be done.  The truth is when I do them I feel good, but apparently that is not impetus  enough to keep me going.  I have several projects that need to get done and don't do them.   I have lost a lot of weight, and now need to exercise to build muscle and strength.  I have a gym membership.  I don't go.  I have the time I really do but I just don't go.  I have a serious case of the "don't wants"  I don't want to do it and lack the basic discipline to get up and move.

I just spoke with my daughter and asked for her input she said that I have a constant need to "fix" other peoples problems.  She will call and mention a problem just to voice her frustration and I immediately go into "solve" mode.  She just wanted to talk she didn't want me to fix it for her.  I do this with everyone.  I am not sure how to fix this.  Understanding her, I can see how this would stymie her conversing with me about issues. My son could offer no suggestions.  He said that issues he had 6 months ago are no longer a problem  and that he could see the work I have done to change.  He could not tell me however what I had changed.  

  I have had sadness and great joy in my life and find that I often think about those times.  I revisit conversations and situations that I should have dealt with another way.  It truly is a monumental waste of time to do the should of/would of/could of routine but I do it anyway.  Maybe that is a natural part of the 'joy'  of aging.  I look forward to my meetings with Ann I have a feeling she can help me sort myself out.