Thursday, July 31, 2008

The Spanx It Ain't yo Mama's Girdle Anymore

I found my outfits for the wedding yesterday. I now have to figure out a way to pay for them but I will worry about that tomorrow. Like most woman of more ample proportions the idea is to try to hide or disguise your ample-ness. I personally was excited to discover that the Muumuu (or MOOMOO..depending on just how big you are) is back in style. This news flash is according to People Magazine. I can still see Liz Taylor back in the 70's bedecked in her jewels and her Muumuu... and she looked just wonderful. The only problem with the Muumuu is that if you have cankles(fat ankles) they still show. I remember in junior high school having to wear a girdle to hold your hose up. Man I hated those things because they rolled at the waist and they were just plain miserable. I gave up girdles in the 70's and never looked back and swore to myself that I would NEVER squeeze myself into one of those things again. Flash to the present. I tried on many dresses yesterday. I found myself looking for the long jacketed loose items that would 'disguise' the fact that I only lost about 20 lbs on my quest for the 100 that I PROMISED myself that I would lose. I was waited on by a wonderful salesperson at Dillards. Ms. Phyllis Guidry is the BOMB. She was honest about the loose fitting items and basically told me that the only person that I was fooling was myself and that I needed to wear fitted clothes that were in style. I found the courage to try on really fitted items and found the best things. She suggested that I might be more comfortable with my appearance if I would only unbend my 70's promise to myself and try a Spanx to take care of the bulges. I agreed and she brought me one. Dear God it took me at least 5 minutes to get the thing on. I have problems with my hands anyway but I had to drag that thing up my legs over my butt. The lady in the next room was giggling at my grunts and swearing. She finally laughed out loud and asked me if I needed help. I declined stating that I had to learn to do it myself because I don't have a dresser to help me at home. I swear it sounded like two pigs mating. I grunted, swore, grunted, swore and finally got it up. No joking I was broken out in a sweat and my hands were cramping. Ms. Phyllis was right it made a significant difference in how the outfits looked. Once up it was really comfortable and it goes from your knees to just under your boobs. I only have one concern.... at the wedding how am I going to pee.


Carrie White said...

Do they have Spanx for my "choob" -- where my chin and boobs meet (thanks to my brother Mark for that word).

Now regarding your Spanx, I'm guessing the fat has to go somewhere -- but where? And what happens, God forbid, if the Spanx should....dare I say it?...RIP!? I'm picturing a can of Pillsbury biscuits when you start to take the wrapper off. Poof! And there you stand, lighting the altar candle in front of all your family and friends, with fat pushing itself out of every button hole. And then the urine that was being held in by the Spanx, now comes streaming down your legs.

Gotta go -- I have to get my airline ticket to be at this wedding. I wouldn't miss this for the world!

S.P. said...

Hahahaha! What a great story! [sorry to laugh at your pain!]

Carrie's comment is HILARIOUS too! What a visual she painted for us all! Hahaha!

By the way, I'm one of Carrie's friends. She emailed her whole address book and told them about your post. Okay, maybe not her WHOLE address book, but at least HALF. Wasn't that sweet of her?