Monday, August 4, 2008

Addendum to Spanx and the Intimacy Factor

I have been married for 28 years and my husband has certainly seen it all as far as I am concerned. He has seen me "nekkid", he held my head when I have been sick, he has been a rock by my side during a few surgeries and he watched the birth of our daughter. I have never been shy but do admit to trying to disguise the fact that I have stockpiled enough fat to get me through a world class famine. Shyness is a strange thing. We are shy about certain things that given a different circumstance the shyness flies out the window. An example is giving birth. In normal circumstances no woman wants to be bare assed, legs in the air in front of a group of people.....but in the last transition of labor you don't care if the entire graduating class of medical students from John Hopkins is looking at your nether regions, you just want that baby OUT. Most people also don't like company in the bathroom either but I would sooner have done my business in the middle of field at half-time than ask my husband to help me pull my Spanx up.... which is what I had to do.
I wanted to show Stan what my wedding clothes looked like and get his approval. I put them on without my Spanx and I looked terrible. My house was cool, I was not sweating so I figured I could get my spanx on without trouble. I made it as far as my waist. I would push the fat down and pull the Spanx up on one side and the fat would pop out on the other side. I battled that bitch for about 10 minutes when my hands were cramped, I was sweating and I was exhausted. I had to get Stan to help me. I walked into the kitchen with the Spanx to just above my waist... I had the mother of all muffin tops(that's what the fat is called that over hangs your jeans)I asked Stan to help me. This had the POTENTIAL of a very caring, intimate moment when the loving husband assists the poor wife. Stan took one look at me and to give him credit, did not actually laugh out loud he just sort of turned the color of a ripe apple and started making snorting noises....... "How do you want me to help you?" I asked him to pull it up over my butt higher and hoist it up to my boob line while I grabbed the front at the same time. He nearly lifted me off the floor from behind but accomplished the deed. He suggested that this would make a great picture on my blog. Then he laughed. Briefly. It's hard giving the evil eye while I was standing there in the kitchen, in only a spanx, with sweat dripping down my face. I have decided that I have to wear this thing every day for a period of time for two reasons. First I need the practice in getting it up by all by myself and lastly I really need to learn to pee in it because once this thing is on I am not taking it down for any reason other than to go to bed.


Carrie White said...

I'm laughing so hard that I'm choking. Why do I find such humor in other peoples' misery? Because the misery hits so very close, too close, to home.

Anonymous said...

Oh Ms. Debbie..I am folded over laughing sooo hard right now. I can just see Stan and you in the kitchen..and I can hear him do that snorting...I even did it when I read that part. You are hillarious. Good luck getting the rest of the stuff prepared for the wedding. I still want to see a video from Josh's last show. Love ya! Kay

Elin said...

Do you know that wonderful poem by Ogden Nash? I think it's called "The Good Husband" and I think it goes like this: "He helps you find your lipstick, And he helps you with your girdle when your hips stick." My own husband has also helped me with my girdle/Spanx and it is so refreshing to learn that there are others who've shared this unique kind of intimacy.