Friday, August 19, 2011

Old E-Mails #1: Beer Bottles, Kegals and My Advice

As I was cleaning out some old emails that I have saved I ran across some oldies but goodies. I will be posting some of these. These are pre-blogging gems! The original email is posted then the comments that I got. I did 'X' out some names but it is mostly the same
For those of you who don't really know me... this is a warning. Nothing is off limits as you will soon read.

The Grand Geezer = my mom
The geezers = my older sisters
Geezerette = me because I am the youngest

03/09/2000 09:40:35 AM

Subject: some sound advice

Dear nieces,
Although only Carrie has seen fit to write to her dear
old aunt and keep her in the know, I decided to write
one more time with some sound advice. IF YOU DON'T
USE IT YOU WILL LOSE IT. I know most of you, if you
got that advice from the geezers thought it meant your
typing skills. On second thought if they gave it they
probably did mean your typing skills but I am here to
let you know it applies to other aspects of your
person. Lucky Carrie, because she keeps in contact
with me already knows what I did last night. I went
to a friends house to have my cooter measured( At this
point Robbon is in melt down.. wanting to know just
how to divorce Mark on the basis of crazy
relatives.)My friend is a RN who specializes in
incontinence. In passing conversation she mentioned
that the same muscles that control incontinence also
are the same ones that umm... well increase the
tightness of the vaginal vault. Those pesky old kegals
that are about as elusive as the G-spot as far as I am
concerned have been a mystery to me for years. I was
told to exercise them prior to the birth of my
children but the doctor never explained to me how to
do so.... so I thought I was doing them right..... but
its kinda like breast exams.... you tend to forget to
do it on a regular basis. I apparently stretched them
out like bow strings when i delivered my 9 and 10
pounder and haven't had them in shape since. The
obvious outcome of unexercised kegals is that you end
up at 84 visiting your kids and grand kids and sitting
on plastic because you cant make it to the toilet in
time... in fact you don't even realize you have to make
it to the toilet.( I am speaking here of the grand
geezer... god bless her) Well my friend( the RN) was sharing
with me that women in South America can pick up beer
bottles by the necks using only those muscles... I
personally would ask for a different waitress no
matter how entertaining that would be to see. I also
told the nurse that to share that information with kegal
impaired women like myself is not a kind professional
clinical move. She just wanted me to know so that I
could have a goal to strive for. At any rate my resting
kegal measurement is 2.5 ( which by her raised
eyebrows and no comment meant she was suprised my
stomach wasn't falling through my cooter every time I
coughed) My fully clamped cooter muscle measurement
was 52.3... that was fully strained with eyeballs
bulging out. Those south American woman I mentioned
fall in the 400 range.... of course they are sluts. I
got hooked up to a computer via a probe that was
inserted into my vaginal vault( I did it myself) and
information was fed into the computer... ie; name(I
used an alias) weight(I lied alittle) and height. Then
you get to choose the color of the graph line and
other little decorative things(like do you want your
results in a wide or narrow graph line or do you want
it in a pie shape) that cannot possibly be important
to any woman but an interior decorator. It provides
up the the second information as to your muscle
tonicity and gives you biofeedback when you reach your
goal. As I am squeezing I told the nurse she was going to
have to shut up.. because yelling squeeze, squeeze
squeeze in my ear was distracting me... you can't laugh
and squeeze at the same time.... to give you an idea
and this is really gross(even for your auntie) try
really laughing the next time you have a BM... it
doesn't work. I finally told her I didn't know if I was
using the right muscles...ergo enter the next
probe.... this one is attached to a "Prometheus
exerciser" it's a pulsating stimulator that sells for
400.00. This one delivers a mild electrical current
that you can increase in intensity... the current
causes the muscles on the pelvic floor to
contract..... and guess what... I am using the right
muscles just not hard enough........ hooray. The
treatment lasts for 30 min. It contracts for five
seconds and rests for 10. This little gizmo actually
increases the strength of your vaginal muscles. I was
gonna get a new vacuum cleaner but have since
changed my mind.( I just looked up Prometheus he
was the god who gave mortals fire...what a hoot) At
any rate all is not lost for your aunt as I know
you are all worried. I will be able to increase
muscle tone and strength without a problem I may
never get to the beer bottle stage but that's not
something you could talk about anyway. The kids
wanted to know where i was going I answered to
my nurse friend. Of course they asked why and I answered in
truth, so that I could learn to strengthen my pelvic
floor muscles so that I wouldn't end up like gramma.
Joshua answered with his hand over his ears "Jeez
couldn't you lie" and started singing(reminds me of
Carrie) I asked Becky if she wanted to go as it would
be valuable to her as she gets older (not the most
common mother/daughter bonding experience.. but well
who can say). She held up her hands in a weighing
motion... hummm she says (holds up one hand) go out to
dinner with my friend then raises her other hand..or she says go watch mother and her
friend be total idiots. Toss up mom.. but I will
pass.. I am hungry. Well I am glad I went. I am
telling you girls... keep it in shape. When we get
old I will be the only aunt allowed to visit. Of
course I probably won't have my mind left but at least
I wont wee-wee all over everything. Write back
brats... I love you all and miss you more. By the way
I don't have a current e-mail for Rachel(lucky her) so
Jennie...if you feel its warranted forward on to
her. This has to top the vinegar story. Talk to you
love, Aunt TC (tight....ummmm well you get
the drift. lololol

Then the comments:

I recommend reading Debbie's email only if you have to pee really bad.
Then, while reading it, you will laugh really hard and, while running to
the bathroom with your hand between your legs, you will realize, maybe she
IS smart!

I'm sitting (please excuse
the pauses -- it is very difficult to type and kegal at the same time).

Thanks for the laugh!


Hello everyone!!

Ok, so I immediately started contracting my kegal muscles (I think) while
sitting in my chair at work. I must admit that I have tears in my eyes because
I have to laugh quietly around here or else people will want to know what is so
funny and I just don't think that I could explain this one!!!! Thank you
Debbie!!! I believe I will stay married to Mark and his family because who else
would ever tell me about the facts of life? Don't think that Barb would tell me
that...what do you think Mindy, Carrie? tee hee Your stories are always
enthralling and I always enjoy them most of the day so thank you for adding my
work address to the list.

So how is everyone? Anyone have a story to top that? I don't think that I do.

Can't wait to hear from the rest of you about this "stimulating" experience.



Yvette Burleigh said...

ROFLLMKO!!!! This means "rolling on the floor laughing my "kegal" off! Good grief... this is hilarious! Now I feel educated. Never too old to learn, amen? LOL!

Yvette Burleigh said...

Actually I am ROFLMYCO!(rolling on the floor laughing my "cooter" off and laughing and kegaling. That better? LOL... gotta get that terminology straight.

Laura Payne said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Thanks for sharing Deb! ;)

Jen Martens said...

11 year later and still as horrified as I was the first time around! Actually, now that I have had 2 kids, I have a much greater appreciation for what you are saying! Now if I could only find one of those kegal machines...